12 February 2007

Messianic Siimplex

Recently Meatiocrity received two unique visitors searching, separately, for a cure and a treatment for a messianic complex. Fortunately for these two readers, supply rises to meet demand, and I have both. First, let's examine the issue, then move on to a prescribed course of action in fixing a messianic complex.

First, you'll noticce the problematic language involved. It's called a messianic complex. Second, the fact that you're looking for either a cure or treatment for it betrays the likelihood that you also have an enormous guilt complex (italics mine). That's two complexes, a whole lot of stress, self-medicating for the self-loathing, and hardly any good times. And what we all need are good times.

WIlliam of Occam, long before Gillette released its multi-bladed monstrosities on us, had a razor. It states the the simplest explanation is probably the best and most accurate. So, how do we cut down two complexes? Is there a way to shave off some of that extra stress and create a clean, trim image for ourselves?

Yes. Yes there is.

Rather than that pesky messianic complex and equally irritating guilt complex, what you'll want to aim for is a messianic simplex, and trust me, it's the only kind of simplex you want to have. A messianic simplex removes all the troublesome thinking involved in having a messianic complex. You don't think you're a messiah; you really are one, and the paradigm thereof. A person with a messianic complex presumes to be sent by the Divine. A person with a messianic simplex presumes to actually be a god: an everyman's god. A messianic complex is unrealistic. A messianic simplex is perfectly adapted to life in this modern world.

The first thing to do in making your messianic complex into a messianic simplex is to cultivate a good amount of narcissicism, some arrogance, and the presumption that you are more capable to handle your life than anyone else, especially God. In fact, there's a good chance you should be handling others' lives, especially God's, as he is, in your estimation, a little too forgiving.

Second, did you hear that criticism? If you have a messianic compelx, you might think it's directed at your ultimate mission. Suppress that kind of thinking at once! That criticism is directed at you, and it's important to take it seriously and personally.

Finally, if you've got a messianic complex, you'll constantly shrug off opposing viewpoints by saying only a few elect will understand you. An important step— and sometimes the most difficult— in changing that complex to a simplex, is to start trying to please and appease everyone around you while resenting them for not mindlessly fulfilling your every whim. If that seems difficult, keep in mind that while your superiority should be obvious and your will foremost in every mind, you are, after all, really a good person at heart.

07 February 2007

The Art of Commentary

Conversation is dead. In fairness, it was never looking too good to begin with, always so thin and anemic, not infrequently foaming about the mouth. Commentary, on the other hand, is alive and well and only looking more robust thanks to the proliferation of forums and blogs on the interwebs. Following are a number of helpful tips for making comments, not only online, but in every aspect of life:
  1. Commentary information has a hierarchy of value. Useless opinions and unsupported assumptions outrank uncited statistics, which beat alleged facts, which are better than faulty logic, which is still superior to any form of meaningful interaction, insightful critique, or thoughtful dialogue. Of course, a grammatically questionable movie or rock music misquote trumps all.

  2. Ad hominem arguments are usually frowned upon in conversation or debate. Keep in mind that you're no interlocutor here. Personal abuse is encouraged, and the less wit involved, the better, as exemplified by the common but effective: "OMG!!! ur so stoopid!!!!"

  3. Tell, don't show. Commenting on something gives it meaning where it had none to begin with. If you authored a particular post, an explanation of what you really meant in the comments will help your readers understand what you so artfully obscured in your intial offering. If someone else authored a post, remember that you have the authority to accurately explain what another person meant. Texts do not speak for themselves; they require explanation, and that is the heart of commentary.

  4. Never stay silent. The only commentary worth ignoring is the commentary not made. Your comments should be prolix and numerous to prove the worth of your opinions. Unmounted soapboxes make not a change in the hearts of humankind. I'm not sure who said that, but I'm merely demonstrating an additional application of point 1.

  5. Never stay silent. This point is worth repeating. And I'd like to explain what I meant the first time. Nobody wants to hear something important directly. For example, I don't want to read the Bible as God's Word and hear it as such. I want somebody else to tell me what it means. That sort of commentary is essential to make. I, in turn, should tell others what I think the Bible (or any other text) means. Another good example is advertising. I don't want to judge the merits of a product, I want to be told to buy it. How am I supposed to know what to spend money on unless companies comment on their products?

  6. A picture is worth a thousand words, but an emoticon is worth a thousand pictures. People always talk of the importance of body language. Consider emoticons digital body language. Think of the amount of expression avaiable to you in only a few keystrokes!

  7. Lists will make everything clear. People love them, and you'll look smarter for your ability to organize your thoughts into convenient segments.

Now go and comment! Your insights can only improve and clarify the mediocre content we've all been longing for so desperately.