01 April 2007

How to Remain Single Indefinitely

Dating is a game of chess. Ladies, you know I love you, but for this post, let's just sit back and listen patiently and sympathetically. Guys, I repeat, and I'll expound below: dating is a game of chess.

You're playing white, because white always makes the first move, often a gambit. Perhaps some scrawny-necked pawn with no defenses, wide out in the open, ripe for almost certain decapitation. I applaud your vulnerability: moving that knight is too defensive.

You know as well as I do that the early game is about control of the center. Often— there are no professionals here— you'll never know if a move you make will come back to haunt you later, or whether a move you thought useless will garner some later advantage.

The mid-game requires tactical skill and precision. You may be tempted to go for the capture early— a risky move, no doubt, but what will it cost you if you fail? Likewise, playing it safe and defensively is a guarantee of a non-win. Perhaps you'll manuever your way to an endgame win. Or a tie. Or a loss.

The truth is, you won't find out. Even if you've managed to make only entirely dubious moves, the board will certainly be abandoned and all the pieces left to rot before any satisfactory culmination to the match occurs. Because this woman with whom you've recently been so strategically entangled, will decide not to finish the game in favor or playing Candyland.

In chess, you took risks, maybe made sacrifices. You could have handled a loss; you'd maintain the dignity of retrospection. You could have settled for a tie; rarely are two so evenly matched. You had hoped for a win, but the muse of unfair play has drawn you away to a game altogether unlike the first.

Here, in this Land of Candy, chance rules over skill; superficiality over depth; novelty over longevity. You're still playing a game, yes, but one meaningless and emasculated. Completion promises no sense of accomplishment for a game well-played, only the numb repetition of another round of mere friendliness and sugary geniality. But being just friends is better than nothing, right?


Lisa said...

I find it so ironic that since I am the first person to comment, the statement at the bottom of your post reads "There is no response to “How to Remain Single Indefinitely”"

Too true.

tomtastic said...

thats why you have to play a game like risk and keep your fingers crossed for stockholm syndrom.

a good way to remain single indefinitely would be to bluntly state the inability in most women to possess the logical faculties to play chess.

i'm not opposed to remaining single indefinitely, but i think myself wise enough to not make the above stament. if i did though, lisa would be exempt. good catch jason.

Ben said...

So what is the dating equivalent to a scholar's mate? I think I got fooled by that once. Man, is that a crappy way to lose! I was clearly outmatched. It was like, I opened up the Candy Land box, ready to play in the Candy Land, and there was the chess board...then I was crushed in four moves and it's like, woah, suddenly there are fragrant creams in my bathroom. All I wanted was to spend some time on Gum Drop Mountain, gosh.