14 October 2007

It’s Time for the Semimonthly Misinterpretacular!

Once again, the column in which Rochester, NY’s Democrat & Chronicle provides the headlines and meatiocrity provides the stories that should have been written.

Trials atypical in local DWIs

A recent study found that defendants in DWI and DWAI trials in Monroe County were more likely to be praised for their actions than defendants in other counties across New York. Another less formal study named Monroe County and Rochester in particular a great place for a party.

Other counties generally discouraged such behavior with jail time and mandatory rehabilitation. Monroe County tended to award defendants with light to no community service, pats on the back, and complimentary white wine spritzers.

A follow-up poll showed that Monroe County residents’ responses to DWI and DWAI incidents ranged from indifference to uncontrollable laughing. “It’s like reality TV or something,” said resident Steve Warthers, 48.

“I live right by the 490, and I see ‘em all the time,” continued Warthers, “I usually pop open a few cans of Genny Cream Ale while I watch, then head downtown to East and Alexander to do tequila shots with Big Bill Fucillo and see if anyone hits a pedestrian.”

A small and surprisingly shy minority commented that they found the behavior reckless. A few mentioned personal tragedies involving DWIs and hopes that changes in the county judicial system would result in harsher consequences for violators.

Red Sox packing plenty of punch

In a brief news conference regarding the state of the Boston Red Sox in this year's American League playoffs, manager Terry Francona indicated that his team was "packing plenty of punch" and "ready for a really off-the-hook series." Answering a follow-up question from a meatiocrity reporter, Francona clarified his comments.

"It's not so much that the team is really pumped up. I mean, they are. We are. I'm saying we've packed a lot of punch. Like, at parties. Punch. Ladles and all that."

After his comments, Francona was asked to remain to further explain this unorthodox strategy. He graciously allowed further questions, some regarding the efficacy of such tactics, others whether he thought any of the players had spiked the punch.

"Varitek dumped some Captain Morgan's into the bowl we had after the win," said Francona, "I'm not sure I can do much about it, but they guys have all agreed you can have a decent party with just the punch and those little ham rolls. And, it's not so much a strategy as a mindset. After '06 the team was in a rut. We've had punch all year. You can't say no to it, and it always lightens the mood."

Francona went on to cite popular self-help book The Secret as an inspiration for the decision. His belief is that such a celebratory drink would attract events worthy of celebration.

When asked about allegations of sherbert use by some of the players, Francona declined to comment.

With help of volunteers, refugees make new lives

A recent influx of refugees fleeing Silesia, Poland and the surrounding area have found in a local Rochester organization caring and open arms. Volunteers from Prometheus Givers helped provide the refugees with basic amenities, but have gone above and beyond, helping the refugees— many of whom are scientists— to complete their lives' work.

In Silesia, the refugees faced persecution by pitchfork and torch wielding citizenry intent on disrupting and destroying the scientists' work in the field of genetics, in particular, the creation of new animal species. A number of laboratories were destroyed along with the research notes and specimens within.

Fearing even harsher reactions were they to continue, the group of thirteen scientists packed what they had left and fled for America. A colleague in Rochester, Dr. Frank Stone, upon hearing of their plight, mobilized an impromtu welcome party which evolved into the volunteer organization now known as Prometheus Givers.

The name, says Dr. Stone, was inspired by the Greek myth of Prometheus, who gave fire to humankind, and also because the volunteers, in aiding the scientists in their experiments, have revived in their broken souls a new passion for freaks of nature.

In their short stay, the group has created a hybrid being from the genetic codes of a flamingo and a gila monster. "It's a pink lizard that always lifts its legs and falls over," said Dr. Stone, "It's pretty hilarious, really, and not remotely dangerous. It's a shame such narrow-minded people were allowed to impede this wonderful work."

The scientists hope to see what increasingly disparate species they can combine to form never before seen monstrosities in an attempt to push the boundaries of genetics research and scientific knowledge. Zealous volunteers have offered their own genetic code, but have so far been turned down.

"It's too much, really," said one scientist, who asked his name not be printed, "Besides, I'm pretty much we could get what we need from a few corpses or something."

Currently, Prometheus Givers is undergoing internal reorganization and is neither taking on new volunteers nor revealing their particular whereabouts, fearing further persecution in America.

01 October 2007

This Week in Misinterpreted Headlines

Because of my apparent inability to consistently write articles on a variety of topics, I've decided to outsource part of the task. Rochester's own Democrat and Chronicle will provide weekly headlines ripped, as you have likely already imagined, from the headlines. I will provide what will undoubtedly be a far more interesting newsbrief than whatever real story went to print. Here are three from the Sunday, 30 September, 2007 edition. Links to the actual stories, when available, will be posted tomorrow.

NO TIME TO WAIT

Amidst ridicule by fellow party members, cancelled speaking engagements, and rejected requests for participation in highly publicized debates, No T. Time (R—Wyoming) withdrew tody from the '08 presidential race. His controversial anti-drug campaign— including prohibition of caffeine-based substances in addition to harsher laws on alcohol, tobacco, and aspirin— ostracized voters and threatened an already weakening economy, according to several of our Washington analysts.

Rep.. Time indicated his intention to reenter the presidential race in 2012, but added, "I will not back down on the dangers of the substance abuse so prolific in our society. For now, I'd like to focus on my family, and a new and exciting bill which would declare 4:00 pm every day 'Prune Juice Time.'"

Rep. Time's nickname "No" is an abbreviation of Noel, given because each piece of legislation he introduces is unanimously and immediately rejected.

Victor cleanup on the horizon

A high school lacrosse game in Northern New York went horribly wrong this week. Rivals Carthage High School (CHS) and Immaculate Heart Central (IHC) played to overtime Saturday, with both teams scoring one goal each. Officiating was Delmar Buckley, a groundskeeper at nearby Indian River High Schoo, where the playoff game was being held.

After Mr. Buckley declared sudden death overtime, IHC scored within twelve seconds, making them the winners. However, players and fans from CHS immediately and brutally slaughtered the entire IHS team as well as almost a dozen parents.

While local police were able to arrest the mob, whose bloodlust had evidently been satiated, Mr. Buckley's task was more daunting. "I don't even know where to start. There are an awful lot of bodies out there, and I ain't properly sure how that much blood might affect the field. And our dumpsters are still full because of the home ec class."

Principals from both schools refused comment.

Terrorism, guns are Supreme Court's top issues

An independent research study conducted by the Illumine Research Group and commissioned by the department of Homeland Security released it's findings earlier this week. The purpose of the study was to uncover possible terrorist organizations operating on American soil, and perhaps masquerading as more mundane groups such as chess clubs and Parent-Teacher Associations.

Among the gorups listed was, unexpectedly, the United States Supreme Court. The Study found that as of late, the nation's highest judicial authority has increased its references to firearms and terrorist organization in its general communication. Additionally, the Supreme Court's history is often characterized as one of restraint, which some are now citing as dangerous secrecy.

Homeland Security officials, who have asked to remain anonymous, have voiced their concern over the Court's current ability to check and/or balance other branches of the United States government, stating the possibility that the Court's influence has reached back perhaps centuries.

No word yet from any of the so-called "Justices," though a video tape which recently surfaced thought to depict Ruth Bader Ginsberg torturing and executing an imprisoned reporter was shown to be nothing more than a poor-quality bootleg of Martha Stewart preparing a ham for baking.