14 October 2007

It’s Time for the Semimonthly Misinterpretacular!

Once again, the column in which Rochester, NY’s Democrat & Chronicle provides the headlines and meatiocrity provides the stories that should have been written.

Trials atypical in local DWIs

A recent study found that defendants in DWI and DWAI trials in Monroe County were more likely to be praised for their actions than defendants in other counties across New York. Another less formal study named Monroe County and Rochester in particular a great place for a party.

Other counties generally discouraged such behavior with jail time and mandatory rehabilitation. Monroe County tended to award defendants with light to no community service, pats on the back, and complimentary white wine spritzers.

A follow-up poll showed that Monroe County residents’ responses to DWI and DWAI incidents ranged from indifference to uncontrollable laughing. “It’s like reality TV or something,” said resident Steve Warthers, 48.

“I live right by the 490, and I see ‘em all the time,” continued Warthers, “I usually pop open a few cans of Genny Cream Ale while I watch, then head downtown to East and Alexander to do tequila shots with Big Bill Fucillo and see if anyone hits a pedestrian.”

A small and surprisingly shy minority commented that they found the behavior reckless. A few mentioned personal tragedies involving DWIs and hopes that changes in the county judicial system would result in harsher consequences for violators.

Red Sox packing plenty of punch

In a brief news conference regarding the state of the Boston Red Sox in this year's American League playoffs, manager Terry Francona indicated that his team was "packing plenty of punch" and "ready for a really off-the-hook series." Answering a follow-up question from a meatiocrity reporter, Francona clarified his comments.

"It's not so much that the team is really pumped up. I mean, they are. We are. I'm saying we've packed a lot of punch. Like, at parties. Punch. Ladles and all that."

After his comments, Francona was asked to remain to further explain this unorthodox strategy. He graciously allowed further questions, some regarding the efficacy of such tactics, others whether he thought any of the players had spiked the punch.

"Varitek dumped some Captain Morgan's into the bowl we had after the win," said Francona, "I'm not sure I can do much about it, but they guys have all agreed you can have a decent party with just the punch and those little ham rolls. And, it's not so much a strategy as a mindset. After '06 the team was in a rut. We've had punch all year. You can't say no to it, and it always lightens the mood."

Francona went on to cite popular self-help book The Secret as an inspiration for the decision. His belief is that such a celebratory drink would attract events worthy of celebration.

When asked about allegations of sherbert use by some of the players, Francona declined to comment.

With help of volunteers, refugees make new lives

A recent influx of refugees fleeing Silesia, Poland and the surrounding area have found in a local Rochester organization caring and open arms. Volunteers from Prometheus Givers helped provide the refugees with basic amenities, but have gone above and beyond, helping the refugees— many of whom are scientists— to complete their lives' work.

In Silesia, the refugees faced persecution by pitchfork and torch wielding citizenry intent on disrupting and destroying the scientists' work in the field of genetics, in particular, the creation of new animal species. A number of laboratories were destroyed along with the research notes and specimens within.

Fearing even harsher reactions were they to continue, the group of thirteen scientists packed what they had left and fled for America. A colleague in Rochester, Dr. Frank Stone, upon hearing of their plight, mobilized an impromtu welcome party which evolved into the volunteer organization now known as Prometheus Givers.

The name, says Dr. Stone, was inspired by the Greek myth of Prometheus, who gave fire to humankind, and also because the volunteers, in aiding the scientists in their experiments, have revived in their broken souls a new passion for freaks of nature.

In their short stay, the group has created a hybrid being from the genetic codes of a flamingo and a gila monster. "It's a pink lizard that always lifts its legs and falls over," said Dr. Stone, "It's pretty hilarious, really, and not remotely dangerous. It's a shame such narrow-minded people were allowed to impede this wonderful work."

The scientists hope to see what increasingly disparate species they can combine to form never before seen monstrosities in an attempt to push the boundaries of genetics research and scientific knowledge. Zealous volunteers have offered their own genetic code, but have so far been turned down.

"It's too much, really," said one scientist, who asked his name not be printed, "Besides, I'm pretty much we could get what we need from a few corpses or something."

Currently, Prometheus Givers is undergoing internal reorganization and is neither taking on new volunteers nor revealing their particular whereabouts, fearing further persecution in America.

1 comment:

bethanybeams said...

Ooh, this is fun. Today's D&C has quite a few good headlines.
"UR dog suit one of a litter of cases"
"Erie Canal recovers from last year's dismal boating season"
"Rochester council undecided as ambulance decision nears"
"Slaughter's tough leadership exasperates Republicans"

Where do they get these things?