01 October 2007

This Week in Misinterpreted Headlines

Because of my apparent inability to consistently write articles on a variety of topics, I've decided to outsource part of the task. Rochester's own Democrat and Chronicle will provide weekly headlines ripped, as you have likely already imagined, from the headlines. I will provide what will undoubtedly be a far more interesting newsbrief than whatever real story went to print. Here are three from the Sunday, 30 September, 2007 edition. Links to the actual stories, when available, will be posted tomorrow.

NO TIME TO WAIT

Amidst ridicule by fellow party members, cancelled speaking engagements, and rejected requests for participation in highly publicized debates, No T. Time (R—Wyoming) withdrew tody from the '08 presidential race. His controversial anti-drug campaign— including prohibition of caffeine-based substances in addition to harsher laws on alcohol, tobacco, and aspirin— ostracized voters and threatened an already weakening economy, according to several of our Washington analysts.

Rep.. Time indicated his intention to reenter the presidential race in 2012, but added, "I will not back down on the dangers of the substance abuse so prolific in our society. For now, I'd like to focus on my family, and a new and exciting bill which would declare 4:00 pm every day 'Prune Juice Time.'"

Rep. Time's nickname "No" is an abbreviation of Noel, given because each piece of legislation he introduces is unanimously and immediately rejected.

Victor cleanup on the horizon

A high school lacrosse game in Northern New York went horribly wrong this week. Rivals Carthage High School (CHS) and Immaculate Heart Central (IHC) played to overtime Saturday, with both teams scoring one goal each. Officiating was Delmar Buckley, a groundskeeper at nearby Indian River High Schoo, where the playoff game was being held.

After Mr. Buckley declared sudden death overtime, IHC scored within twelve seconds, making them the winners. However, players and fans from CHS immediately and brutally slaughtered the entire IHS team as well as almost a dozen parents.

While local police were able to arrest the mob, whose bloodlust had evidently been satiated, Mr. Buckley's task was more daunting. "I don't even know where to start. There are an awful lot of bodies out there, and I ain't properly sure how that much blood might affect the field. And our dumpsters are still full because of the home ec class."

Principals from both schools refused comment.

Terrorism, guns are Supreme Court's top issues

An independent research study conducted by the Illumine Research Group and commissioned by the department of Homeland Security released it's findings earlier this week. The purpose of the study was to uncover possible terrorist organizations operating on American soil, and perhaps masquerading as more mundane groups such as chess clubs and Parent-Teacher Associations.

Among the gorups listed was, unexpectedly, the United States Supreme Court. The Study found that as of late, the nation's highest judicial authority has increased its references to firearms and terrorist organization in its general communication. Additionally, the Supreme Court's history is often characterized as one of restraint, which some are now citing as dangerous secrecy.

Homeland Security officials, who have asked to remain anonymous, have voiced their concern over the Court's current ability to check and/or balance other branches of the United States government, stating the possibility that the Court's influence has reached back perhaps centuries.

No word yet from any of the so-called "Justices," though a video tape which recently surfaced thought to depict Ruth Bader Ginsberg torturing and executing an imprisoned reporter was shown to be nothing more than a poor-quality bootleg of Martha Stewart preparing a ham for baking.

1 comment:

Scottish said...

Very nice :) I like the Victor one best. Deliciously twisted.