05 February 2008

How to Raise Healthy Children

So, you've managed— despite what some might have deemed insurmountable defects in your personality— to pass on a bit of your genetic code. Good for you!

If you're an American, however, and haven't yet aborted or abandoned that little twinkling pulp of possibility, you may notice something strange about your child. Why does their glowing potential (along with most of the rest of them) look so tubby? They could grow up to be anything, even President (OK, probably not President), but not looking like that.

Oh no! It looks like your child has a disease called obesity. Don't worry, it's probably not your fault. But you are going to want to take steps to help your child become more healthy. Puberty will be sufficiently awkward and embarrassing without the quadruple bypass scar.

Obesity is definitely something to panic about. In fact, take a couple of minutes to freak out completely. We'll wait.

All set? Now you're ready for the good news. Meatiocrity (mmm, meat...) is here to help with three simple steps to aid your child's fight against obesity. They'll feel better and so will you when you discover you'll get repress the full measure of their self-worth.

  1. Involve them in as many things as possible. Try music lessons, sports, political involvement, volunteering, mining, or any number of self-esteem boosting activities. You'll have to run around to get to everything, and running is exercise, and exercise helps fight obesity.

  2. Make sure they are reaching their full potential. Your child may say they don't like all the things you've signed them up for. Don't let them get discouraged! Only by ceaselessly nagging them about being the best will they work hard enough to resent you for the rest of their lives. The point is, they should be working hard for your approval, because hard work is exercise, and exercise helps fight obesity.

  3. Treat them like the entitled little prince or princess they are. That's right! With all your pushing and prodding, your kids deserve both the newest gaming console and that third ice cream sandwich. Give in to all their tantrums, which are only expressions of their own confidence— an attitude you'll want to help develop to aid in the fight against obesity. Let them walk all over you. After all, walking is exercise, and exercise helps fight obesity.

With a triple dose of exercise, your child's obesity doesn't stand a chance. It may be difficult and stressful, but pressure often makes things smaller (like self-esteem!) and an important study which we'll be able to pay off in 2023 has shown that stress burns calories. Remember, your child is worth it, and they can't make you look good if they're not looking their best.

1 comment:

Scottish said...

Very nice :) You ought to post the back-story that inspires entries like these for those that don't see you in person all that often.