13 March 2008

Speaking to Be Heard: A Guide to Reverse Eavesdropping

There is a silent war going on in America, a war that touches the very ideals of freedom and individual human rights on which this nation is founded. I speak of the war on eavesdropping. These amateur paparazzi insist on surreptitiously discovering the details of our most vapid monologues and inconsequential discussions. These incursions by the auditory al Qaeda must be opposed by every freedom-loving citizen.

But who are these eavesdroppers? Unfortunately, eavesdroppers are nearly impossible to identify. Eavesdroppers can look like any normal American. They might be reading or typing on a computer in a coffee shop, or attempting to engage in quiet conversation of their own. Despite their white earbuds, there's a good chance they've limited the volume on their iPod to better spy on American citizens, gathering intelligence and information while undermining society from the inside. Their invasion must be stopped for America to stay America.

Our action in the war of eavesdropping will need to work around the impossibility of identifying individual eavesdroppers. Cutting our volume and running our conversations at lower decibel levels is not a solution— we would be leaving our fellow discussants without the basic conversational infrastructure they need to survive. We would be leaving ourselves open for further infiltration by eavesdroppers using more and more sophisticated methods. We must, as good Americans have done in the past, stand up against these silent terrorists.

And, as good Americans, I propose that we all take part in nationwide campaign against eavesdroppers. I propose we drown them out with our praise of our great nation, literally. By speaking more loudly, eavesdroppers are forced to listen to our patriotically self-involved conversation, robbing them of their anonymity. Speaking loudly also renders identifying individual eavesdroppers unnecessary, since anyone in the room will have to hear what you have to say. The outcry of loyal citizens will overcome the ears of the eavesdroppers.

Eavesdroppers may think they can ruin our society by listening in on private conversations, but we can win out against them. If we join together in forcing our private conversations— and by extension, our private lives— on them, our self-involved patriotism will grant us the privacy and freedom which makes America great. We can win the war on eavesdropping. Let all of America join our voices together. Our cry for freedom will be heard by all.

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