31 May 2008

A Message from the Anti-Monkey Coalition

What do you do if you don’t get your way? Claim viewpoint discrimination!

You might disagree with me on this, but I think it’s a great idea. So don’t try to keep my different viewpoint down, because that’s discrimination. If I want to grant a science degree for a program which is almost entirely unscientific, you can’t say that I can’t. You big meanie-head.

Okay, so maybe you think my viewpoint is “deviant.” Maybe you even call it “aberrant.” Those are discriminatory words that should only be used to describe gays, not the perfectly acceptable— some might say better— interpretation of Darwinian evolution.

Why is our Creationism— erm, that is, Intelligent Design— better than your boring monkey-type evolution? Because it’s backed by the truth. Absolute truth. None of your crappy relativism here, what with its “different viewpoints” and “respect for others’ ideas” and “not discriminating.”

Oh, wait. I see what you did there.

29 May 2008

More Monkeys!

What's better than monkeys? Robo-monkeys. A chimp flinging poo is one thing, but when that feces becomes a deadly projectile thanks to the help of a cybernetic arm and nanotechnology-enhanced targeting, you've really got something to fear. All your apocalyptic visions of robotic uprisings are nothing in terms of terror or hilarity when compared to apocalyptic visions of robo-monkey uprisings.

28 May 2008

Suck It Monkeys, I'm Gettin' Saved!

I kind of like being a bit of an asshole. Imagine my joy— no, I'll just tell you, I was pretty damn joyful— to find out that I could still be an asshole after we meet the Lord in the air at the Rapture. And when I say we, I mean just the obnoxiously self-righteous.

At You've Been Left Behind, you can leave a message for your loved ones after you've shuffled off this mortal coil to be with God in some kind of un-shuffle-off-able immortal coil, whatever that means. Sure, you could say how much you miss them and love them, but why not do what you've been doing all your life: reminding them how much better you you are than them.

And just in case that's not enough inspiration for you, the creators of the site have some helpful resources available for use. Apart from links to the Bible (undoubtedly the servers on which the files are stored will be left behind in perfect working condition), these resources consist mainly of ridiculously long emails. Even the shit-displacing disappearance of Christians worldwide cannot interrupt your long-windedness.

Personally, I'd go with something a little more concise.

26 May 2008

Every Time a Zit is Popped, a Planet Gets Its Rings

Looks like Jupiter has some new red spots. I'm no expert, but that looks like planetary acne. Next, all the astronomers are going to make fun of the way the sounds from Jupiter keep cracking. Jupiter will be all embarrassed and awkward, and Saturn is never going to go to prom with it. Then it'll listen to some depressing emo song and cry and cry, and write some crappy poem about how its soul is as cold and black as space itself. Sheesh, what a whiny-ass planet.

22 May 2008

Someone Did Not Eat Enough Bugs as a Child

I've covered some pretty weird topics on Meaticority. I'm pretty weird myself.

I could never have made this up.

I'm not sure I feel up to the task of highlighting the weird bits without outright copying the article. Here goes anyway, but in the second person, to really bring home the weirdness:

  • You find one and a half flies in your unopened water.

  • You are a Canadian hairdresser.

  • You are also, allegedly, a dude.

  • Your sleep and sex life are ruined by those one and a half flies.

  • The monetary value of your suffering is estimated at $341,775.

  • You win that amount from the bottling company in a court settlement,

  • You lose your settlement in an appeal.

  • You settlement stays lost when the Canadian Supreme Court unanimously decides you are pretty much a complete wuss for freaking out over one and a half flies and upholds the appeal.

I'd suggest suing the Canadian Supreme Court for being big meanies. But first, home to cry, and then freak out because your tears are made of water.

19 May 2008

Revivalist Update

I wrote previously about revivalism, and I wanted to offer a brief update of the Lakeland revival linked to in that post.

It turns out that the cost of ministry is around $15,000 a day. According to the linked article, those funds are raised by offerings and used to cover production costs. If a little perspective helps, the IRS can tell you that I made less than that in 2007.

It's Not Stealing if You Pretend God Likes It

Bad news Randy, Paula, and Simon— your show, American Idol, has officially jumped the shark. It may already have, that's up for debate, but the time has come when the Christian sub-culture has caught up with you and decided your premise is both sufficiently inoffensive and sufficiently lame to be coated with a thin veneer of shallow spirituality.

Their names are not as big (at least, according to the world), but at least they didn't break a commandment in naming their show. Which reminds me, how come you guys haven't debuted that singing (and dancing!) golden calf I've heard so many rumors about?

Next in American Christianity's inability to innovate: moving in on Grand Theft Auto with an expansive, allegedly non-linear game where the player hands out tracts and burns their secular music, all while obeying all traffic laws and praying aloud for forgiveness for everyone who cuts them off. Almost as much fun, and less killing hookers. Except the ones who have brought God's wrath on themselves because of their filthy lifestyle.

14 May 2008

Terrible Videos 2.0

If you thought ChristianFamilyTube.com was awesome, what with all its amazing music videos and the like, you need to check out GodTube.com. All the fun of the former, with a helping of that weird Christian trend of modifying others' logos for some vaguely evangelistic purpose.

Check out just some of what GodTube.com has to offer:

In this one, the parents go to a hotel to exchange a firm handshake:


There ain't no party like your nana's tea party:


And from the "Not Even Trying to Sound Like Christopher Walken but Doing the Skit Anyway" file:

God Will Kick Your Ass

In case you haven't heard, famous ass-kicker Chuck Norris is now famous ass-kicker Dr. Church Norris. That's right: Liberty University gave him a degree. Oddly, it was in humanities rather than ass-kickery. I'm not really sure why.

I would like to highlight two key points from this article. First, the following:

“The Lord has directed my steps now through the last 10 years. And I hope you’ll let Him direct your steps, because if you do, you can’t go wrong – I promise you," Liberty Journal reported.

Undoubtedly, the Lord has also directed all Chuck's roundhouse kicks. And punches. So, it wasn't Chuck Norris who kicked all those asses, it was God, kicking ass through Chuck Norris.

And the second point:

At the beginning of the ceremony, LU Chancellor and President Jerry Falwell, Jr. called Norris the "type of role model to young people that has become rare in the entertainment field."

You heard right, Hollywood. More asskicking. More taking names. More roundhouse kicks. In the name of Jesus.

12 May 2008

How to Burn Down Churches

I'd like to go ahead and extend an already vague metaphor by accusing certain revivalists of committing spiritual arson in their spreading of so-called "revival fires." (Here's their website). For an example that is both more pointed and more litigious, took a look at this story of a traveling preacher who took everyone's money.

I believe the two examples above illustrate a particularly disturbing behavior in Christianity, namely, the promising of immediate reaction from God to some action of the believer as prescribed by the itinerant preacher speaking on God's behalf. The beneficiary, of course, is not the believer but the one making the promise, ostensibly for God.

In the second and more obvious example, believers are promised wealth in return for donations to the itinerant preacher. In the first, and more subtle example, believers are promised an esoteric spiritual renewal— often in the more tangible form of miraculous healing— in return for attendance and participation in increasingly ecstatic gatherings.

The problem, of course, is that the promise seems inevitable in the moment, but in the long run almost always remains utterly unfulfilled. It is my opinion, then, that itinerant preachers are generally troublesome and dangerous due to their practice of introducing hopes which are rarely, if ever, tenable or sustainable.

I'd tend to accuse these itinerant preachers— despite their stated intentions— of promoting not God, or truth, or the Gospel, but themselves. They want money or fame. Either way, the intent is to gain power over others in what I consider an exploitative manner.

But that accusation is probably not verifiable— how could any person look at another and know the intention in their heart and mind? I think, however, there is more evidence in the lives of those affected by this kind of preaching of wrongdoing on the part of these itinerant preachers. It is akin, perhaps, to a one-night stand, in that it is high in excitement and low in meaning, only one party mistakenly believed the commitment was supposed to last longer.

The danger, then, in having the presumption to speak for God is that you may turn God into a liar and a destroyer whose fire doesn't cleanse or rejuvenate, but destroys and consumes and chars. And, given the language I've just used to describe the situation, I might wonder who it is precisely such a preacher speaks for.

10 May 2008

More Evidence for Evolution

When someone in a crowd needs to take a picture with their digital viewscreen camera— which a lot of people think are pretty special for some reason— they wind up looking like a rhesus monkey. Also, God would not create you to drink a Budweiser at a college graduation.

07 May 2008

This Post is Totally Gay

We don't want kids to read about how great homosexuality is. That's a given. Kids usually empathize with penguins and associating themselves with Tango or either of her two dads will probably ruin their impressionable little minds forever. If you don't believe me, just wait until they try to leave the house in a pair of assless chaps.

It's a shame the examples we give to our kids of what a family should be like these days. The real shame, however, is that we've drifted so far from following the Biblical examples of what a family should be like.

Kids need to see how much David loved Bathsheba— enough to send her husband off to be killed, all so they wouldn't commit adultery. It's good morals, and it shows what a loving marriage is like.

They need to know that their parents love them as much as Hannah loved Samuel. They should know their parents are so thankful to have them they'd be willing to send them off to live with a man who is a reportedly bad parent and so fat he died by breaking his own neck.

Better yet, kids should know about the best examples of parents available— Abraham and Sarah. They loved Isaac so much, they kicked out their other son, Ishmael. In fact, Abraham and Isaac were so close, Isaac didn't even object when Abraham tied him down and lifted up a knife to sacrifice him.

Do your kids— and yourself— a favor and try to get that terrible book banned. And if you want them to grow up right and know what marriages and families should really be like, just read them the Bible instead.

06 May 2008

03 May 2008

Why I Am Not a Sports Commentator

Apparently, there's a question whether or not racehorse Big Brown will live up to its trainer's claims. I have a feeling he'll just be a turd out there.

Dear John (and Jane!)

Sorry Florida and Michigan, you don't get to pick a Democratic candidate this primary season. Sure, you still get to vote, but we're going to go ahead and give Guam a say in the matter. So, thanks for sharing. The Guamanians will love being a part of the democratic process despite their lack of representation in our federal government, and you still get to vote for whoever they choose. Happy November!


The Democratic National Committee

02 May 2008

Great Dating Advice.

After almost four years of being single, I was almost ready to throw in the towel. Until I found this. Thanks, Landover Baptist Church!

01 May 2008

Suck It, Europe!

Turns out America's holier-than-thou attitude is entirely justified. By statistics!

And Americans supposedly have, on average, three Bibles per household. I like to open three at once so each person in the Trinity can speak to me simultaneously.

Why do Americans have three bibles per household? Because it's our favorite book of all time. In your face, New York Times' best seller list!

Looks like America's got even more bragging rights now. We saved your ass in World War II, Europe, but now we're kicking it. Spiritually.

Maybe you should back us up next time we decide to fight an unpopular war in the Middle East instead of bitching at us about it. I'm talking to you, France. I swear, we're going to give you such a guilt trip!