19 June 2008

Apocalypse When We Get Around to It


Want to know how I know the world's ending? The signs are more subtle than you might think, but hey, at least there are only four.


  1. Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time covered in a "lite jazz" style. It's a cheap '80s pop tune that only ever made sense in the context of a bespectacled and be-afroed loser's awkward high school dance. It's difficult to imagine a time when Cyndi Lauper would actually be toned down to something simultaneously less offensive and less palatable.

  2. Celtics and the Lakers. I don't know that much about basketball. I don't even care, let's say, at all. But I thought the Celtics/Lakers rivalry ended by, say, 1990. And around that time, musicians started to really play up the irony routine (they knew what it was before, it just wasn't yet a fad). I just don't see that movement to irony being made in sports, because music pretends to be against the status quo, but sports always attempts to define it. Yet, I felt the same way watching the recent NBA playoffs between the Celtics and Lakers as I feel when I listen to music which pretends to be ironic but just winds up being shitty.

  3. Katie Couric replacing Tim Russert as Host of Meet the Press. The last I heard, this was still a rumor. For as long as I can remember knowing who she was, I've always felt convinced that Katie Couric— more probably than any other person— was entirely hollow. I don't mean only metaphorically, either. And I don't think that just because she's one of the few female anchors in what is undoubtedly a boy's club it's misogynistic to say she can't read the news. Connie Chung read the news just fine. Katie Couric, as stated, is hollow, and the effect on me of her reading the news is always a feeling, not that someone is reading the news, but that news is now sentient and reading itself to me. And that, friends, makes me uncomfortable.

  4. Doomsday predictions. I get that the devastation caused by natural disasters is hard to come to terms with, but I'm pretty sure that if it really is God's idea to punish a lot of people who aren't remotely to blame for the alleged sins of few boring aging homosexuals who only ever wanted to form lasting, mutually monogamous relationships, God winds up looking like kind of a dick. Plus, the more people who predict the apocalypse, the more likely it is that one of them will go batshit fucking insane and bring it down on all our heads themselves. And to that I say, "I totally saw that coming."

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