04 September 2008

Get Revived, Bitches

I guess all you googlers out there are really interested in increasing your church membership. As it turns out, using the same techniques as internet pornographers isn't the only way to do it! (And that was totally not any kind of euphemism!)

This new technique merely requires you to build up an apocalyptic army of end-times zealots. Awesome! It's like commanding a horde of locusts, only not a literal horde of locusts, or even a horde of locusts that metaphorically refers to the armies of Assyrian oppressors.

You say the concept of a holy army that is also an army of locusts is too obscure for you? Well, then, you can't be in the army. That's your problem right there.

I get the sense that you're not so keen on the idea of being part of the ultimate generation (penultimate if you're an old-timer) of holy folks with pitch forks (and guns) who are not merely intended to defend the faith (boring!), but actively and aggressively force it on the world, in order to show the love of Jesus Christ.

Are you really going to tell me you don't want to be a part of that? Are you crazy?

Wait, you aren't one of those "intellectuals" are you, what with your "thinking" and "degree in biblical theology?" Because if you were, I'd probably have to condemn you to hell right on the spot, or kick you in the face with my totally hard army boot. Anyway, you're not wearing glasses, so I guess you must be okay.

It's good to hear you're starting to get on board with us here, because obviously you want to increase church membership. And I think you're beginning to realize that the best way to do it is through violence and by being batshit insane.

Oh, I almost forgot! If you sign up for the end-times army today, you get the serpent seed doctrine as well. Yeah, turns out Eve totally got it on with the Serpent and that's where Cain and all the intellectuals came from. And that's why we have to convert them by oppressing and maybe gunning them down.

Yeah, just sign right here. We'll also need a blood sample, just to check for purity, you know, son of Cain and all that. The guns are that way.

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