30 September 2008

How to Crash the Stock Market

I'm no economist. I do have a blog. And a surplus of bullshit. So, when Wall Street needs a bailout and the government won't come through, I think I'm just the man for the job.

This is a simple case of supply and demand. I have plenty of bullshit, and Wall Street needs a lot of it. Easy. That's why they call it a bull market. But why, you might wonder, does Wall Street need bullshit? I'm glad you asked!

You see, although I'm a bullshitter and not an economist, it doesn't mean I don't understand a few things about how economies work. Like that supply and demand bit up there. The reason Wall Street needs bullshit is because Wall Street makes most of its money on things that are completely made up.

In theory, all exchanges are ultimately about the movement of goods and services. But goods and services don't tend to increase over time just because you want them too. Holding onto two apples will not eventually gain you 0.05% of an apple.*

Interest on loaned money, however, does start to add up. So, whenever somebody asks you for money, you can gather some interest as they pay you back. Where does interest come from? Nobody is really sure, but recent studies suggest a mixture of the the light from the twinkle in Ronald Reagan's eyes and Karl Marx's tears.

And with all this extra money laying about, there's only one thing to do with it: gamble! I don't mean slots or poker or keno. I mean the good stuff, like what other people might do with their interest. Is someone else lending money to people who want to buy houses but who are not likely capable of paying back what they owe? Why not go ahead and bet on how well that's going to turn out? You won't know if you're a winner until some lights flash by and someone rings a bell.

As you can see, Wall Street has run dangerously low on bullshit. If they were real capitalists, they would simply invent a new way to make money. Wall Street needs some fresh bullshit. So, when all you investors are ready to get yourselves back in the game, you come see me.

*Does not apply to bunnies.

1 comment:

tomtastic said...

its almost been a month. i mean, the economy is barely in decline anymore.