28 December 2008

News Stories from 2008 Described Using Unnecessarily Coarse Language

A lot of people don't like swear words, but not me. I love 'em. In fact, swear words sometimes expedite understanding of what is normally a complex and nuanced situation. Just imagine Al Swerengen reading the news. Better, yet, I'll show you. Here are some of my favorite news stories from 2008 retold using unnecessarily coarse language:

WORLD NEWS

GAZA: You Israeli bastards, we will fuck your shit up.

They do

ISRAEL: You Gaza fuckers, we will fuck up your shit!

They do

EVERYONE ELSE: Guys, stopping fucking each others shit up.

GAZA and ISRAEL ignore everyone and continue killing the living shit out of each other. Also, every world news story is exactly like this.

---

US NEWS

JOHN MCCAIN: Everyone calm the fuck down. The the economy is not going to shit.

The economy most definitely does goes to shit.

THE US GOVERNMENT: We will fix this shit. Where are the cocksuckers responsible for this:

THE COCKSUCKERS RESPONSIBLE: Over here!

THE US GOVERNMENT: Okay, cocksuckers, here's some cash.
EVERYONE ELSE: Fuck!
MADOFF: Thanks for the cash, motherfuckers!

EVERYONE ELSE: Fuck!

BLAGOJEVICH: Guys, I am totally not a shitbird.

EVERYONE ELSE: Yes you are, fuckwad. Is the recession still ass-fucking us?

It is.

---

TECH NEWS

APPLE: Here is some shiny new shit!

A VOCAL MINORITY: Fuck yeah!

OTHER TECH COMPANIES: But check out our shit that is functionally similar but not as shiny...

THE OTHER VOCAL MINORITY: Fuck yeah!

A VOCAL MINORITY: Your shit smells like what shit's shit would smell like if shit could shit.

THE OTHER VOCAL MINORITY: That is a weird fucking thing to say. You guys are pedantic ass-tards.
A VOCAL MINORITY: At least we are not shit-faced sheep.

They proceed to sissy-slap each other indefinitely.

EVERYONE ELSE: Please shut the fuck up.

---

SPORTS NEWS

THE WORLD: We are so fucking excited for the olympics!

After ten minutes:

THE WORLD: Oh yeah, most of these events are so fucking boring we can only stand them once in four fucking years. Hey, she looks young...

CHINA: Oh no she is fucking not.

THE WORLD: You are probably a shit-faced liar, but we'll let it slide.

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM: We are a colossal fucking disappointment.

YOU: Yes, you fucking are.

PLAXICO BURESS: I shot my fucking leg!

EVERYONE ELSE: It is because you are a fuck-hat.

MICHAEL PHELPS: I own all your shit. Now fucking merchandise me!

EVERYONE ELSE: You are a fuck-hat as well.
---

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

HOLLYWOOD: Here are a bunch of shitty movies and a couple good ones.

AMERICA: Thank you! Now we will steal your shit. Don't tell the music companies.

MUSIC COMPANIES: Quit stealing our shit!

AMERICA: Quit being a bunch of pussies.

MUSIC COMPANIES: No.

TV COMPANIES: Here are a bunch of shitty tv shows. Kath & Kim is especially bad.

AMERICA: Yes it is. But 30 Rock is still fucking awesome.

TINA FEY: Yes it is. T. M., let's make out.

ME: OK.

---

All of this is completely true, by the way. Ripped right from the headlines and all that. Okay, maybe not the very last one.

Yet.

Tina, there is still some of 2008 left!

04 December 2008

Good News for People Who Love Our President

Are you concerned about the crisis in our nation today? I don't mean two wars, a recession and the oncoming collapse of our health care system. I mean the crisis of comedy. When President Bush leaves office, who are we going to laugh at? I ask you America, who else could bring us some of the most terrifying smiles we have ever smiled?

I have good news. Of course, W. can never have a third term, but it turns out we might have a new Bush on the Hill. Even better, it might be Jeb. Sure, he wouldn't hold the highest office in the country, and I kind of dig those glasses, but the prospect of him saying anything vaguely crazy combined with the publicity he'd receive is like being promised a pony for Christmas knowing that it will likely be set on fire. A really hilarious fire.

But maybe that's not enough for you. Maybe you wish you were from Kansas City, where your biggest worry would be who wears the pants in the mayor's office. It turns out the person the people thought was a straight-shooter was only a holster for the real six-gun. Gives a new spin on being pistol-whipped.

Even if you're not from Kansas City, and even if ol' Jeb doesn't wind up in the Senate, just be glad US politicians aren't the kinds of people to simply give up when people don't like them. If President Bush (or Hilary) had done that, we'd be completely lost, comedically speaking.

Perhaps the only thing President Bush could have done better is what Canadian Governor General Michaƫlle Jean did per request of Prime Minister Stephen Harper when she dissolved* Parliament. And I don't mean to say she Yoko Ono'd a beloved funk group. She cold-cocked an entire democratically elected government body just because the PM didn't want to lose his job.

Maybe she did it for the same reason the Queen of England knights people; it's largely the only thing she's able to do. That, and tell an entire free country to go fuck itself. Whatever the reason, it's exactly the kind of dick move we'd expect out of President Bush and what simultaneously enchants and repulses us about him. We'll miss you, W.


*Technically not dissolved, but prorogued. Her Excellency is ballsy, but she's no Cromwell.

Happy Un-Prohibition Day

Please make sure to drink something today to celebrate the anniversary of a small step towards redemption.