27 February 2009


Sometimes people use clichés or idioms, and I suppose that's fine if you want people to think you've never had any unique thoughts of your own. But, recently, I heard someone say "If life gives you lemons," which is not only not a full sentence, but not really enough information. Below, for the ease of the reader, I have provided some possible conclusions to the above sentence so that the use of clichés and idioms which has so enriched our history may continue into the future.

If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone until you feel better.

If life gives you lemons, it is not necessary, but a thank you note is always appreciated.

If life gives you lemons, please turn them over to the authorities as they may be contraband imported illegally from a foreign country.

If life gives you lemons, see if you can trade them for some tangerines.

If life gives you lemons, it may be a sign to finally get your fledgling juggling career going.

If life gives you lemons, politely inquire as to what exactly life expects you to do with all these lemons.

If life gives you lemons, they may prove to be difficult to transport home.

If life gives you lemons, give them right back. You do not need more lemons.

Please feel free to disseminate any of these as pithy folk wisdom however you see fit.

19 February 2009

The Only Thing You Have to Fear Is Everything Listed Below

Did you know that in the United States, any provider of information, no matter how completely made up the information is, is required to fill an annual fear quota? A certain number of statements must inspire fear in the people of the United States. Since they always do the audit around tax time, I found out that I'm pretty far behind, so I've got to make up some ground in one terrifying article. Listed below in order of increasing number of exclamation points are some things you may not know you should be afraid of.


The real miracle of modern medicine is that it will likely kill you dead, possibly in a way that involves either far too much or far too little of one of more bodily fluids. Even preventative measures like vitamins and flu shots might mess you up pretty bad. Just remember: white is the new black, and stethoscope is the new scythe.


Did you think they were really on our side? Now that Benjamin Netanyahu is back, we've got at least two probably crazy leaders in a cramped and unstable area with someone else's war in the way between them. If Iran has enriched uranium, Iraq is the new staging ground for a pretty lousy reenactment of the Cold War.


It turns out that those delicious ballpark treats are real assmunches.* They can give you salmonella, which I'm pretty sure are tiny tiny fish that swim up your bloodstream to spawn in your brain. Or, you might be so allergic to them that you require a bubble of 20 yards free of anyone who has peanut breath, has handled peanuts in the past week, or who has on their person a newspaper which carries classic Peanuts comics.


It will probably turn into a depression, in which case you will have to eat cat food and tires (hint: add some gravel for an extra crunch!). If you are lucky, maybe they will let you build a road or something. That MBA has got to be good for something, right?


That's right, the money is most definitely not going to help you at all. It is an elaborate plan to get money into the hands of the Israelis because, frankly, we don't like that guy with the weird name who looks weirdly like Jake Gyllenhaal, who also has a weird name.

GOD!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!! THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!

Atheism is on the rise, which is good news, because I am pretty damn sick of pot luck dinners. Turns out that a lot of ahteists believe that religion is killing us. In the case of "Shout to the Lord," this is pretty convincing. Thank empiricism we've got science and medicine.


Oh balls, did I just say medicine?


I know you are at least a little afraid by now. The real question you need to ask is "Am I afraid enough?"


*On a completely different note, if you smuggle marijuana in your rectum, do you get the assmunchies?

15 February 2009

True Facts About Rod Blagojevich's Hair

The following are some true facts about former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's hair. You may want to take note as these can be helpful both on trivia night at British and British-style pubs, and also in making uncomfortable conversation with your stylist.

Rod Blagojevich's hair contains the following: three pounds of pomade, an entire can of hair spray, a family of grey squirrels, a rival family of red squirrels, six Cheetos, a lost sock and no less than seventeen acorns, although these are only the ones the squirrels have not yet found.

Rod Blagojevich's hair is a Virgo, enjoys white wine spritzers, is both driven and easy-going, dislikes haters and is, ironically, sick of games.

Rod Blagojevich's hair is the only known substance capable of withstanding one of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks. It is not, however, capable of withstanding two consecutive Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.

It is a common joke, but Rod Balgojevich's hair does not have its own zip code. The suggestion is patently absurd.

Although Rod Blagojevich has been banned from public office in Illinois, his coiffure has not, and was, in fact, under consideration for Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat.

Rod Blagojevich's hair requires just under three hours to be properly and safely removed so that the former governor can pull his shirt over his head.

Finally, Rod Blagojevich did not always posses his current mane. However, we discover the true source of his pilary powers in The Amazing Ex-Governor #27 in which he is bitten by a radioactive toupee.

I hope that you find these facts about Rod Blagojevich's hair informative and interesting. I have certainly enjoyed sharing them with you. I encourage you to comb through them, to pick out some of your favorites, and learn to recite them in your own style as they can be quite popular at parties. Lastly, please keep in mind that these facts are entirley true and not made up in anyway whatsoever and are in no way exhaustive.