19 February 2009

The Only Thing You Have to Fear Is Everything Listed Below

Did you know that in the United States, any provider of information, no matter how completely made up the information is, is required to fill an annual fear quota? A certain number of statements must inspire fear in the people of the United States. Since they always do the audit around tax time, I found out that I'm pretty far behind, so I've got to make up some ground in one terrifying article. Listed below in order of increasing number of exclamation points are some things you may not know you should be afraid of.

MEDICINE!

The real miracle of modern medicine is that it will likely kill you dead, possibly in a way that involves either far too much or far too little of one of more bodily fluids. Even preventative measures like vitamins and flu shots might mess you up pretty bad. Just remember: white is the new black, and stethoscope is the new scythe.

ISRAEL!!

Did you think they were really on our side? Now that Benjamin Netanyahu is back, we've got at least two probably crazy leaders in a cramped and unstable area with someone else's war in the way between them. If Iran has enriched uranium, Iraq is the new staging ground for a pretty lousy reenactment of the Cold War.

PEANUTS!!!

It turns out that those delicious ballpark treats are real assmunches.* They can give you salmonella, which I'm pretty sure are tiny tiny fish that swim up your bloodstream to spawn in your brain. Or, you might be so allergic to them that you require a bubble of 20 yards free of anyone who has peanut breath, has handled peanuts in the past week, or who has on their person a newspaper which carries classic Peanuts comics.

RECESSION!!!!

It will probably turn into a depression, in which case you will have to eat cat food and tires (hint: add some gravel for an extra crunch!). If you are lucky, maybe they will let you build a road or something. That MBA has got to be good for something, right?

ECONOMIC STIMULUS PLANS!!!!!

That's right, the money is most definitely not going to help you at all. It is an elaborate plan to get money into the hands of the Israelis because, frankly, we don't like that guy with the weird name who looks weirdly like Jake Gyllenhaal, who also has a weird name.

GOD!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!! THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!

Atheism is on the rise, which is good news, because I am pretty damn sick of pot luck dinners. Turns out that a lot of ahteists believe that religion is killing us. In the case of "Shout to the Lord," this is pretty convincing. Thank empiricism we've got science and medicine.

RECURSION!!!!!!!!!

Oh balls, did I just say medicine?

FEAR!!!!!!!!!!

I know you are at least a little afraid by now. The real question you need to ask is "Am I afraid enough?"


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*On a completely different note, if you smuggle marijuana in your rectum, do you get the assmunchies?

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