04 May 2009

I Can't Come Into Work Today, I'm Feeling a Little Porcine

The mainstream media may be winding down it's nearly fortnight-long infatuation with swine flu, but there's part of the story they're not telling you, namely that swine flu is still really really scary. To help you combat this epidemic, I've compiled some FAQs which will help you identify exactly which type of terrified you need to be. SPOILER ALERT: the answer is "extraordinarily."

Q: How do I know if I have swine flu?

A: If you're not sure if you have swine flu, check for the following symptoms: headache, fever, nausea, lack of ability to self-diagnose swine flu, and swine flu. If you exhibit even one of these, you've got it bad, and your loved ones are going to shun you until you can prove you did not have sex with that pig.

Q: Can I get swine flu from pork?

A: Definitely. If there's one thing epidemics teach us, it's that we should be afraid of even remotely possible to entirely impossible scenarios. Also, I predict that with fewer Americans buying pork, the pork bubble will burst and the industry will shrivel into recession like a strip of bacon in a frying pan. Mmm. Economic downturn never sounded so delicious.

Q: I've got swine flu. What should I do now?

A: First, stay the hell away from me. I don't want to be within spitting distance of anyone with the ham contagion. Second, try any of the following treatments: 1) down enough Tamiflu and 150 proof rum to pass out while your body attempts to fight the infection; 2) Cry softly into your pillow for three days straight then burn your pillowcase, because it's totally infected now; or 3) Freak out as often and as loudly as possible, preferably on camera. I think the swine flu is afraid of the noise.

Q: Isn't calling it "swine flu" offensive to Jews and Muslims?

A: Yes. It's also offensive to single white males who specified "no fatties" in their craigslist ads. A better choice is to call it "Mexican flu," because nobody finds Mexicans unclean. Except my racist grandmother.

Q: Should I wear a mask for protection? They look so ugly!

A: Not if you have a Bedazzler and glitter paint.

Q: Aren't you blowing this whole thing out of proportion?

A: No.

If you have any questions about swine flu, please leave them in the comments section and I will answer them in the order in which they were received.


btdangelo said...

My parents are currently vacationing in Florida, which is a lot closer to Mexico than where I live. What should I do when they return?

btdangelo said...

Another question. What should we call this virus? Swine flu or H1N1?

Mel said...

How will the swine flu affect pork barrel spending?