14 May 2009

Swine Flu, Part Two

Questions from meatiocrity readers:

Q: My parents are currently vacationing in Florida, which is a lot closer to Mexico than where I live. What should I do when they return?

A: It depends on how old your parents are. If they're over 55, they're not coming back from Florida. Instead, they'll buy visors and fanny packs and learn how to use a turn signal in entirely the opposite way it is intended to be used. If they are under 55, just Lysol them down when they return.

Q: What should we call this virus? Swine flu or H1N1?

A: The first option, as previously stated, is highly offensive. The second is super-nerdy. Instead, to make sufferers feel they are experiencing something enjoyable, I suggest we call the disease "bacon lung." That's a virus I can sink my teeth into!

Q: How will the swine flu affect pork barrel spending?

A: Obviously this is a big concern. We will need to regulate the pork going into the barrels to ensure it is not contaminated. This will require additional congressional oversight as well as additional funding for the subcommittee and a subcommittee to oversee the spending of the first subcommittee. And since this will put a pinch on the pork barrel manufacturing industry, we will need to institute a stimulus package to bail out the pork barrel makers. This of course means greater pork barrel regulation to prevent the pork barrel bubble from bursting a second time and spreading swine flu all over, because let's face it, that's pretty gross.

Thanks for your questions everyone!

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