27 January 2010

How to Get a Green Job

You're probably into going green and helping the planet, because if you're not, everyone will think you're an asshole. One tricky part is finding a job that's green. I know mine's not, and yours probably isn't either, because business are mostly built on a series of inefficiencies meant to give mid-level managers something to do. But today, I'm going to tell you who has the greenest job in America and a remarkably low number of mid-level managers: bums.

Aside from their habit of pulling an overfull shopping cart behind them and pushing another cart out in front while on their bike heading the wrong direction in traffic, thereby causing swerving by motorists and very slightly increasing greenhouse gas emissions as a result, bums are the greenest people on earth. Here's why:

  • They use green transport. No fossil fuels used when riding stolen bikes!
  • They recycle all day by going around and recycling bottles and cans many of us were already going to recycle.
  • No showers means conserving water
  • Bags used for transport of bottles and cans often reused to save on having to steal plastic bags
  • Single set of clothing fosters growth of new microflora and microfauna replacing species lost to rising temperatures
  • They always use the whole cigarette
  • Going paperless by not receiving pay checks
So, do you want to help the earth? Here's what you do: sell your stuff, steal a shopping cart, and learn some schtick about needing a gas can or just needing eighty-five cents to buy a garbage plate. Pick through the trash for bottles and cans and snacks, and haul your ass dangerously down the wrong side of the road to redeem those bottles and cans so you can buy some Colt 45. Do it for the planet. Do it for the children.

1 comment:

Elliot said...

Have you heard about @SustainableTips? You'd like it. A relevant favorite.