24 February 2010

Birthers: The New Hipsters

Look at this woman:

Sorry, forgot to say"NSFW"

That woman is Orly Tatiz. She is terrifying.

So is her website, but I fear that linking to it will cause her to somehow show up and sue me for voting for the wrong person for president or eating cuban sandwiches or fuck-all. Even if she just plain shows up, that's bad enough.

Orly Taitz is probably crazy. Like, apeshit infused with mad cow disease crazy. Westboro Baptist Church crazy. Ann Coulter's arm flab crazy.

Orly Taitz believes that President Obama was born outside of America, thereby disqualifying him for the office of President. She believes that he is part of a secret plot to take over America and ruin her ability to wantonly misapply makeup.

Orly Taitz is a "birther,"which is a term used to describe what was likely the most ridiculous current movement in American politics in 2009. Then again, that was a very competitive category.

To give you an idea how absurd this "birther movement" is, I have to take a moment to apologize to Ann Coulter, who roundly condemned the birthers as a bunch of cranks. Fair play to you, Ann Coulter, but let me nevertheless offer this advice: sleeves.

The fact is, however, that I don't particularly find Orly Taitz irritating because of the birther stuff, which is strange in that I find most people irritating for no real reason at all. Instead, I'm mainly bothered by what a sore loser she appears to be. Granted, several state and federal judges appear to agree with me on this, but it occurs to me that I might just not be competitive enough to understand Orly Taitz fully.

I'm not trying to say that she may have a point, because I don't think she does, and I may even be behind the times in bringing up the topic 6 months after it dropped out of the news cycle. I don't care who wins the Super Bowl. I have not watched any of the Olympics. I just don't have that much desire to win or invest in others' winning, which I'm sure Nietzsche would frown upon. Then again, he's dead, so fuck him.

I can be petty at times and arrogant almost always, which would appear to qualify me to understand Orly Taitz and therefore decipher why she's irritating. The truth is that I'm simply baffled. Baffled like the first time you heard Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love" and realized Sammy was singing instead of David. Baffled like being in the supermarket and noticing that Corn Flakes still exist as an apparently viable product.

I think the reason I'm so baffled by Orly Taitz— and really, I mean anyone like her— is that the biggest loss related to the 2008 presidential election she seems to experience is entirely in her head. On learning her team had lost the big election (every four years, like the Olympics, with as much awkward posturing as ice dancing and synchronized swimming combines), Orly Taitz went on a crusade to invalidate a victory because of what she thinks that victory will result in.

Orly Taitz and the birther movement constantly protest. You might— and I'm sure they would— refer to them as activists, which is really a funny epithet considering the foremost thought in their minds is that the world will inevitably be a terrible place, rather than any thought that they might have the capability to improve their world.

The spirit of the birther movement constitutes a resolve that the world, or at least America, will become a lousy place. As a result, they have made it one. More importantly, the birthers, led by Orly Taitz have managed to get on TV, hold rallies, file court cases, etc. in order to push their fatalist, defeatist (and thereby, I submit, un-American) agenda without needing to believe in any part of the world as it really exists.

Orly Taitz wears outrage and activism ironically, not unlike how hipsters wore white belts a few years ago or wear flannel shirts now. In a way, the birhters are the most successful hipsters yet, because they've re-appropriated the style of the civil rights movement without reproducing any of its substance. Therefore, I submit that the only things scarier than Orly Taitz is Orly Taitz on a fixie, drinking a PBR.

09 February 2010

How to Dehumanize Your Workers

Look around. Do you see underlings? If not, you probably are one, and if so, my condolences.

Suppose you did just see some underlings. What are they doing? Laughing? Discussing LOST? Enjoying their jobs? Achieving personal goals and developing in their careers? If so, you have a real morale problem on your hands and you need to do something about it.

Of course, different bosses employ different strategies and invest tremendous amounts of time and energy to make their employees feel stuck in their jobs with no hope of future prospects. Some supervisors set ridiculous expectations, some are outright demeaning. Many attempt to exasperate their subordinates with menial tasks or by switching policies constantly. But there are a few simple step you can take to remind your employees just how worthless their lives really are.

By now, you should have realized that you can save water by installing sensor flush toilets. If you haven't yet, get them installed right away. They have the advantage of terrifying those who are unused to them upon first use.

Next, print up a sign that says "Please flush toilet!" Tape it up on the door inside every stall. You're done!

Whether they recognize it consciously or not, your employees will be reminded every time they do their business that they are being told to do a job and being beaten to it by a toilet. And not just any toilet, the one which is at that very moment disposing of the mess they created. There is nothing more subtly demotivational than this. Make the change today.

03 February 2010

How to Learn to Help Yourself

You need help. Given my Nietzschean aversion to doling out pity, you're going to have to get that aid on your own. But don't worry, I'll teach you how to learn to help yourself..

The first step in learning to help yourself is to get into the world of self-help literature. Go to any book store, and especially any used book store, and you'll find all manner of self-help books from which someone has already benefited and the lessons of which said person has almost certainly absorbed in their entirety and applied to their lives. Most likely, this reader of self-help books, self-made in their own image as they undoubtedly are, found it necessary to make room for the enormous wealth they obtained— solely by their own doing— by discarding the very tools which they used to learn how to get themselves to a place in which they would have the wealth necessary to need to discard said tools. People rid themselves of self-help books for no other reason.

Given the obvious merit of such illustrious self-help paragons as The Secret, which— SPOILER ALERT!— involves manipulating the universe to do your bidding through the focused use of scrapbooking, you may wonder what else could possibly be necessary to learn to help yourself. If you want to be a real master self-helper, you need to attend a retreat or seminar led by some other master self-helper whose sole purpose is help others learn how to self-help themselves. All self-help masters share this purpose. It is a pure and simple purpose, laudatory in that it includes no blatant and creepy masturbatory innuendo or pretext for bilking narcissistic milksops out of the money they earned by being minimally competent at some job of dubious importance.

Anyone serious about self-helping themselves learn how to help themselves self-help their way to a better and wealthier future knows that self-help books and self-help seminars and retreats are only part of the true self-help cycle that binds us all together in our shared preoccupation with our own selves. The penultimate piece to the self-help puzzle is leading your own self-help seminar or retreat based on the self-help book you hired your seventeen year old nephew who has a passing interest in Ayn Rand to ghostwrite for you. You've experienced the elation of self-helping yourself, why not share that satisfaction with others?

For the final, key component of my self-help advice to you, the piece without which none of the rest of the pieces make a damn bit of sense, you'll have to buy my book, The Secret Pleasure: a Self-Help Guide to Learning How to Help Yourself and Enjoy Every Second of It!