24 February 2010

Birthers: The New Hipsters

Look at this woman:

Sorry, forgot to say"NSFW"

That woman is Orly Tatiz. She is terrifying.

So is her website, but I fear that linking to it will cause her to somehow show up and sue me for voting for the wrong person for president or eating cuban sandwiches or fuck-all. Even if she just plain shows up, that's bad enough.

Orly Taitz is probably crazy. Like, apeshit infused with mad cow disease crazy. Westboro Baptist Church crazy. Ann Coulter's arm flab crazy.

Orly Taitz believes that President Obama was born outside of America, thereby disqualifying him for the office of President. She believes that he is part of a secret plot to take over America and ruin her ability to wantonly misapply makeup.

Orly Taitz is a "birther,"which is a term used to describe what was likely the most ridiculous current movement in American politics in 2009. Then again, that was a very competitive category.

To give you an idea how absurd this "birther movement" is, I have to take a moment to apologize to Ann Coulter, who roundly condemned the birthers as a bunch of cranks. Fair play to you, Ann Coulter, but let me nevertheless offer this advice: sleeves.

The fact is, however, that I don't particularly find Orly Taitz irritating because of the birther stuff, which is strange in that I find most people irritating for no real reason at all. Instead, I'm mainly bothered by what a sore loser she appears to be. Granted, several state and federal judges appear to agree with me on this, but it occurs to me that I might just not be competitive enough to understand Orly Taitz fully.

I'm not trying to say that she may have a point, because I don't think she does, and I may even be behind the times in bringing up the topic 6 months after it dropped out of the news cycle. I don't care who wins the Super Bowl. I have not watched any of the Olympics. I just don't have that much desire to win or invest in others' winning, which I'm sure Nietzsche would frown upon. Then again, he's dead, so fuck him.

I can be petty at times and arrogant almost always, which would appear to qualify me to understand Orly Taitz and therefore decipher why she's irritating. The truth is that I'm simply baffled. Baffled like the first time you heard Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love" and realized Sammy was singing instead of David. Baffled like being in the supermarket and noticing that Corn Flakes still exist as an apparently viable product.

I think the reason I'm so baffled by Orly Taitz— and really, I mean anyone like her— is that the biggest loss related to the 2008 presidential election she seems to experience is entirely in her head. On learning her team had lost the big election (every four years, like the Olympics, with as much awkward posturing as ice dancing and synchronized swimming combines), Orly Taitz went on a crusade to invalidate a victory because of what she thinks that victory will result in.

Orly Taitz and the birther movement constantly protest. You might— and I'm sure they would— refer to them as activists, which is really a funny epithet considering the foremost thought in their minds is that the world will inevitably be a terrible place, rather than any thought that they might have the capability to improve their world.

The spirit of the birther movement constitutes a resolve that the world, or at least America, will become a lousy place. As a result, they have made it one. More importantly, the birthers, led by Orly Taitz have managed to get on TV, hold rallies, file court cases, etc. in order to push their fatalist, defeatist (and thereby, I submit, un-American) agenda without needing to believe in any part of the world as it really exists.

Orly Taitz wears outrage and activism ironically, not unlike how hipsters wore white belts a few years ago or wear flannel shirts now. In a way, the birhters are the most successful hipsters yet, because they've re-appropriated the style of the civil rights movement without reproducing any of its substance. Therefore, I submit that the only things scarier than Orly Taitz is Orly Taitz on a fixie, drinking a PBR.

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