03 February 2010

How to Learn to Help Yourself

You need help. Given my Nietzschean aversion to doling out pity, you're going to have to get that aid on your own. But don't worry, I'll teach you how to learn to help yourself..

The first step in learning to help yourself is to get into the world of self-help literature. Go to any book store, and especially any used book store, and you'll find all manner of self-help books from which someone has already benefited and the lessons of which said person has almost certainly absorbed in their entirety and applied to their lives. Most likely, this reader of self-help books, self-made in their own image as they undoubtedly are, found it necessary to make room for the enormous wealth they obtained— solely by their own doing— by discarding the very tools which they used to learn how to get themselves to a place in which they would have the wealth necessary to need to discard said tools. People rid themselves of self-help books for no other reason.

Given the obvious merit of such illustrious self-help paragons as The Secret, which— SPOILER ALERT!— involves manipulating the universe to do your bidding through the focused use of scrapbooking, you may wonder what else could possibly be necessary to learn to help yourself. If you want to be a real master self-helper, you need to attend a retreat or seminar led by some other master self-helper whose sole purpose is help others learn how to self-help themselves. All self-help masters share this purpose. It is a pure and simple purpose, laudatory in that it includes no blatant and creepy masturbatory innuendo or pretext for bilking narcissistic milksops out of the money they earned by being minimally competent at some job of dubious importance.

Anyone serious about self-helping themselves learn how to help themselves self-help their way to a better and wealthier future knows that self-help books and self-help seminars and retreats are only part of the true self-help cycle that binds us all together in our shared preoccupation with our own selves. The penultimate piece to the self-help puzzle is leading your own self-help seminar or retreat based on the self-help book you hired your seventeen year old nephew who has a passing interest in Ayn Rand to ghostwrite for you. You've experienced the elation of self-helping yourself, why not share that satisfaction with others?

For the final, key component of my self-help advice to you, the piece without which none of the rest of the pieces make a damn bit of sense, you'll have to buy my book, The Secret Pleasure: a Self-Help Guide to Learning How to Help Yourself and Enjoy Every Second of It!

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