04 March 2010

All My Politics Are Based on Drinks

Do you want to know why nothing gets done in American politics these days? Two reasons: 1) No more duels, which used to be a quick way of resolving complex political issues, and 2) Not enough drink-based political parties. Now, we're going to have to fight for the former, but we're all very fortunate in that the second is being taken care of as we speak.

Barring some kind of brain trauma, you may remember a year ago when we saw the beginning of the Tea Party. On tax day, tens upon dozens of what are now Tea Party members sent tea bags to the White House or Congress or Fox News. I'm very glad the Tea Party exists, because it seems like the perfect place for people who don't understand why the phrase "Teabagging the White House" is hilarious.

Now, however, there is a new movement happening. It is just as grassrootsingly important as the Tea Party, and it's called, as you might imagine, The Coffee Party. The Coffee Party is the anti-Tea Party. Rather than stage obnoxious protests with laughably misspelled signs, the Coffee Party seeks to have subdued, equally irrelevant conversations over intentionally elitist coffees.

I'll grant you this: drink-based parties are way more interesting than the boring old Republicans and Democrats. But why stop at coffee and tea? Why not a Fruit Juice Party? Or a Milk Party? Or, best yet, a Whiskey Party?

Because each of our great beveragist parties was started as a grassroots movement, I'm issuing a call today. A call for all the drink drinkers of America to rise up and form not just one or two, but a multitude of new political parties based on your drink of choice. It doesn't matter if you have a platform or a purpose. What's important is to have a Facebook page and a Twitter feed. Make your drink parties! Rise up, citizens, and raise your glasses!

Only don't do Whiskey Party, because I'm doing Whiskey Party.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

Brings new meaning to the "Whiskey Rebellion"