27 August 2010

How to Become a Pansy

Men, this post is for you, to help you become the pansy you've always wanted to be. Though ladies, you may find it helpful for encouraging the men in your lives to become pansies or in understanding their transition to pansy-dom. Men, you might not know this yet, but you're probably a little too manly and a little too masculine.

Suppose you have facial hair. This is very likely, and it is a problem. Facial hair is icky and gross and scratchy and nobody in the real world will ever take you seriously if you insist on wearing it. Maybe you grew it for political (Socialist!) or religious (Muslim!) reasons. Maybe your lady likes it. Maybe you're a fucking hipster. Regardless, that facial hair has got to go, and that means you'll have to shave.

You could use a single razor for shaving, but why use only one blade when you can use two? And wouldn't you also feel more comfortable with, say, five blades, just to be sure you get everything? You wouldn't want any pesky hairs slipping through the cracks, would you?

But simply shaving with ANY five-bladed razor isn't going to cut it either. Shaving is SO HARD, and you're going to experience so much irritation, so much tugging and pulling, you probably won't be able to handle it. Well, actually, you probably could handle it, because it's quite minimal.

What I mean to say is that if you want to be a pansy, you've got to learn how to be unable to handle it. And that's why you need a Gillette® Fusion® ProGlide™ razor. This magical product will turn your manly, masculine beard or scruff into the baby-soft skin of a whiny pre-pubescent who can't hack a little irritation. They even make some warm, fluffy cream for you to use so you don't have to deal with a little coldness. And really, as a pansy, why should you have to feel even the slightest discomfort?

So if you want to be a pansy, if you feel some need to coddle your anemic face, if you don't like mild irritation or minimal discomfort, if you want to describe "shaving" as "gliding," because a razor named "ProGlide" "just, like, glides," then get a Gillette® Fusion® ProGlide™ today. Come on. Be a pansy.

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