18 November 2010

An Open Letter to Congress Regarding the Use of Full-Body Scanning Technology by the Transportation Security Administration

Dear Congress,

I know you guys (and gals!) have a pretty tough job skimming (and ghost-writing!) lots of potential legislation. I know you work hard to prove how much of a regular hard-working American you are by giving yourself lengthy sabbaticals from the business of running the Greatest Country in the World so you can focus on portraying yourself as someone who works as hard as a regular hard-working American. I know with an incumbency rate of well over 90% and nigh-eternal pensions you are frightened about your job security. I know you're doing a job Americans simply don't want to do themselves, just like dishwashing or picking fruit.

Better pass that immigration reform soon, or those valuable jobs will go to a bunch of illegals! And twenty years from now, those little terror-lawmakers will destroy the American government from within.

Irregardlessly, there exists an even direr threat to national security: the people responsible for national security. Have you even seen their insidious, inflammatory propaganda? I know we have enemies willing to hide ineffective explosives in their skivvies, but if we don't have our decency, how free and
safe are we really?

I agree with Representative Ron Paul of Texas's 14th District that something needs to be done about the TSA and their wanton, warrantless full body-scanning. Where the illustrious congressman and I disagree is on what should be done. The esteemed congressman's proposal would deny the TSA their constitutional right to be creepy pervs.

My proposal gives everyone what they want. The TSA can keep their voyeuristic remote viewing stations, but no American has to actually be scanned. Except for me.

That's right. I will show Congress my balls.

Here's how it works: I walk through one of those scanning machines and allow the TSA to take a picture of me. I would walk through a maximum of four (4) times, to ensure they get a good one. Then, the TSA would permanently turn off every machine across the country and install some needlessly Windows Vista-based software that displays the picture they took of me in place of the scan whenever anyone walks through the machine.

You see? Everyone gets what they want. Americans get to maintain their privacy. The TSA gets their freaky scanner-fetish pictures. "Everyone wins," you might be thinking, "except for ol' T. M. Gagnon."  After all, what could I possibly get out of it?

I've already told you. I get to show Congress my balls.

I don't mean in the sense that I allow them to allow the TSA to take a picture of me. I mean that I get to show Congress that picture of my balls whenever I want.

Debating important healthcare legislation? Balls. Vetting a Supreme Court nominee? Balls. Sneaking a congressional pay raise into every bill you pass? Balls. Filibustering? Balls. Getting away with picking your nose while on the senate floor because nobody watches CSPAN-2? Balls. Vice-President clapping sarcastically behind the President during the State of the Union? Balls.

I urge you, Congress, to do what is right for America. It's time to stand up for decency. It's time to stand up for the freedom that allows government agents to look at people's privates in the name of national security, but really, to get their jollies on. It's time for a bipartisan approach to this increasingly public menace.

It's time, Congress, for you to see my balls.


T. M. Gagnon

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