22 June 2011

How to Understand Satire

Have you ever read something confusing? Something that wasn't a top ten list or a remixed meme? Something that didn't promise more "after the jump" so that you knew exactly when to stop reading?

Difficult, wasn't it?

It turns out some major-league asscaps insist on writing something they over-pretentiously dub "satire." What is "satire?" Nobody knows. Not on the internet, at least.

And that's why I'm here to tell you that if you come across some so-called "satire," which is supposed to be somehow "funny," just don't read it. Skim it, at most. There's no need to let it serve as a critique of values you hold but haven't bothered reflecting on, or to allow it to irritate you to the point of action.

Yeah, that's the way.

Satire is fucking dumb.

14 June 2011

A Proposal to Deal with the Problem of Gay Marriage

All true Americans know that the number one problem facing our nation is not terrorism. It is not illegal immigration. It is not drug wars, regular wars, declared or otherwise, or wars on poverty. It is not the erosion of freedoms in the name of freedom. It is not health care and it is not taxation.

The most important problem of our day, the problem draining our patriotism like a plague that drains patriotism, is the problem of gay people marrying. And the way to stop homosexuals from marrying is to imprison all of them and strip them of what remaining rights they have.

Consider this: if two gay men were to marry, they would gain all the rights of a heterosexual couple. That means more money paid out by the state to extend services funded by the taxation of all constituents to the impending influx of gay spouses. Allowing gay marriage is potentially economically devastating, especially at a time when we could be bailing out more failing industries or exempting more corporations from paying taxes.

Even more importantly, gay marriage would validate the diabolical institution of gay love, something in which our founding fathers never intended Americans to participate. America is a Christian nation, and even though Thomas Jefferson may have cut numerous passages from the Bible because he didn't believe in miracles, he left in those calling homosexuality a sin. And if there's one thing America should care about above all else, it is the legislation of religious morality without regard for freedom of religious expression.

So, if homosexual love is a sin and gay marriage an economic disaster waiting to happen, what can real Americans do to save our nation from this infection? I suggest we make a multi-pronged attack on the problem. We'll give it to them from all ends. Hard.
  1. Homosexuals should be easier to identify. Being a true American (that is, not gay), I do not possess "gaydar" and am unable to tell if a flamboyantly dressed man is gay or European. Likewise, I cannot tell if a middle-aged woman driving a Subaru Forester and caring for her dogs as if they were children is a lesbian or Australian. I propose a simple, colorful badge to be worn on the outer garment of homosexuals at all times when appearing in public. Perhaps a rainbow-colored, upside-down triangle.
  2. Homosexuals may not choose to be homosexual. We cannot believe everything science tells us (such as evolution), so can we trust that people are really born homosexual? Nevertheless, the matter clearly requires further study by trained experts who quit their governorships, get easily confused by television cameras or are pretending not to be gay.
  3. Homosexuals may, in fact, choose to be homosexual. If that is the case, and because, as we have established, homosexuality is anti-American, anyone choosing to be homosexual might well be an enemy combatant. And as we know, enemy combatants must be dealt with using the full force of American bureaucracy and advanced interrogation techniques, regardless of the evidence or need to do so.
  4. Therefore, the clearest course of action would be to simply do what Americans are the number one in the world at doing: incarcerate the bejesus out of them. 
The first thing to do is gather all the homosexuals together, perhaps through unrelenting raids on suspected gay safehouses (gayfehouses), which are difficult to tell apart from perfectly normal residences and businesses. Then, we can ship them off to a camp where they'll provide valuable services such as sassily critiquing the fashion choices of celebrities or flinging Koosh balls at television audiences.

Furthermore, because homosexuals are unable to breed naturally and wantonly like heterosexuals, we can simply wait while they die off one by one. After forty years, America could be completely homosexual-free, just like Iran. We could get that number down further if we provide enhanced group showers in which the water is laced with a variety of experimental drugs. Not only could we be homosexual-free by 2030, but we'd know just what chemicals to use on our other enemies in the six or seven non-war military entanglements in which we're likely to be engaged at that time.

I know that some of you will object. You'll say, "But what if a heterosexual couple has a homosexual child?" Simple. We'll round up those parents, too, and determine exactly what they did wrong to produce such a hideous offspring. Through forced sterilization and more imprisonment, we can ensure that fewer and fewer homosexuals are produced by weeding out that particular gene from the population.

What of homosexuals who have adopted children? We redistribute those children throughout the country to families with only one or two children. When those children are of age (the gay-parent kids, not the regular ones), they can be forcibly enlisted in the military to ensure no undue financial burden is placed on their happy, heterosexual families. Plus, we'll need the troops.

We must be mavericks and stand united against the system— a system all too willing to simply stand by and allow gay marriage to ruin our country. I propose that you, dear readers, write your congresspeople and representatives immediately. Picket and protest wherever and whenever possible. The gays, along with the parents of gays, no matter how elderly, gay sympathizers, and any anyone who says the word "gay" just a little too often, need to be separated from society as wheat from the chaff.

Take action, America!