19 July 2011

How to Stage a Protest

Are you a victim of the government? Were your rights tread upon by the democratically elected representatives you didn't vote for because that rerun of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was on? The one where Kim has a giant ass. You know the one I mean. No, no, with the giant ass, where it's just fucking, you know, giant. Yeah, that one. Anyway, fuck the government.

I'm going to be straight with you. You need to get off your lazy ass and do something.

And you know what you can do, Constitutionally speaking? OK, not what I had in mind, but yes, technically you can carry an automatic weapon in the bed of your Ford F650 or send your shih-poo to a psychiatrist or watch the Daily Show. I mean something even more fundamentally Constitutional. Something our founding fathers would have gone "fuck yeah" to. What I was thinking of was protesting.  Here's what you do:

  1. Signs. People love signs. People believe signs. So get yourself down to the Home Depot, get a big old Sharpie or something and some kind of stick and paper or whatever, and whip up something topical. Then, get some photos of people on the other side of the issue protesting. Post these photos on the internet and laugh about how much more clever your signs are.
  2. Nonviolent/passive resistance. Do this when you're upset, but not enough to riot. One example is needlessly bringing a loaded firearm to a political rally. Not to use it, of course. Just to have it. My personal favorite form of nonviolent resistance is resigning from your cushy town clerk position because you just found out that equal rights means everybody. Or the Daily Show thing, like you said.
  3. Hire lobbyists. There's nothing more American than hiring somebody else to do your protesting. Lobbyists don't come cheap, though. I suggest becoming the foreign-born head of an international corporation if you want to get anything done in Washington. Or, form an oligarchy to ensure lucrative government contracts are granted to your industry of choice. It's not as if the government's going to cut spending. They'll just borrow more of that sweet hot Chinese dough (it tastes of wonton!). Oh, except NASA. They might cut funding for NASA. I mean, there's a recession on. We can't afford to invade space while we've got troops in over one hundred countries here on Earth. Be reasonable. We'd be spreading ourselves too thin.
And that's all you need to know to really make a difference in the way this country is run. Protesting is 100% effective in this regard. Nothing else is required.

Oh, and one last word of advice: don't try any of this sitting in a different seat on the bus nonsense. It's not that it's not effective. It certainly used to be. It's just that we the people decided to bail out the auto industry, so it's sort of rude to use mass transit. right now Yeah, back in the pickup truck or sensible hybrid sedan now. Thanks.

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