25 October 2011

The 2012 Republican Candidates as Robots


Are you excited about the potential Republican candidates for the 2012 election? I sure am, and not just because the world will end on 21 December 2012 before they'd ever be sworn in. No, for the first time ever, every single GOP prospect is a robot in disguise (but just barely!)! The following is a list of the candidates and a description of their robotic origins.
Mitt Romney: Repurposed, recently declassified government robot originally designed to infiltrate and take over terrorist cells using good looks and charisma. The project was scrapped due to the failure to rid the programming of a glitch causing the robot to smile creepily all the time.
Herman Cain: Experimental next-generation chatterbot intended to automate pizza orders. The AI evolved and began mocking the economically impoverished people placing pizza orders.
Newt Gingrich: Prototype consensus-building bot scrapped due to frequent overheating, stalling and shut downs whenever consensus subroutines were activated.
Rick Perry: Evangelator 6000, representing an innovation in robotics as it functions despite completely lacking a logic board.
Ron Paul: Steam-powered automaton with miniaturized hydraulic dynamos for movement and an analytical engine with attached gramophone for receiving and transmitting speech. Debuted alongside Heinz ketchup at the 1876 Centennial Exposition in Philidelphia.
Michele Bachmann: “Pleasure” android designed by Mitsubishi Heavy Industries. Malfunctioning by accepting command inputs exclusively from closeted gay men.
Rick Santorum: A fail-safe device created in the 1960s by the Young Americans for Freedom as a defense against moral degradation in the United States. Kept in hibernation mode until its hyper-reactive programming was activated by the combined morphic field levels of open homosexuality, belief in the theory of evolution, and disregard for the sanctity of life.
Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Cheap Chinese knock-off of the Mitt Romney robot.
Gary Johnson: Trans-dimensional drone created by the shadow organization known as The Invisible Hand to represent its interests in the economics of our dimension.

10 October 2011

Butcher’s Block: A Critical Review of Cutting-Edge Art

Artist: Mikenzie, b. 2005
Title: Mommy and Daddy and Me and Uncle Ty-Ty
Medium: Crayon on copier paper
Venue: My refrigerator
Value: Priceless
Mommy and Daddy and Me and Uncle Ty-Ty is a prime example from Mikenzie’s Family Portraits period, demonstrating the artist’s innovative use of color and perspective. Her earliest known works, such as the subversive, abstract mural Doggie (now lost, having been painted over by the authoritarian regime under which Mikenzie works) and the provocative Favorite Shirt, Ruined in which the medium was the artist’s own vomit, tended to show an almost infantile playfulness and exuberance in composition and expression. In contrast, the Family Portraits period is characterized by restraint and maturity, subtly turning societal and cultural norms on their respective heads.
The subject matter of Mommy and Daddy and Me and Uncle Ty-Ty, as with much of the Family Portraits series, is that of domestic life, the family and Americana. Intensely personal— it depicts Mikenzie’s closest relatives outside the artist’s simple domicile—, it is nevertheless a critique of broad cultural values, exposing the childish naiveté inherent in holding on to the vanishing American dream.
Stylistically, the furtive scribbles portray a certain dissatisfaction, a bottled fury which rages against the artificial restraints of a so-called “perfect life.” The vibrant, cartoonish palette simultaneously mocks the advertising and marketing which reinforces the false dream of the nuclear family and celebrates the irrepressibility of life in the face of such manufactured, corporate-sponsored meaninglessness. Lastly, the flattened perspective serves to enhance the sense of shallow satisfaction which comes as a result of pursuing the American dream. Certainly, we exclaim to ourselves and the world, there must be something more.
Indeed, Mommy and Daddy and Me and Uncle Ty-Ty forces us to ask several questions. At what cost do we hold on to such a happy, care-free view of the future? Is it not to find ourselves with atrophied arms and legs, barely able to stand, unable to interact meaningfully with our world, our reality? Do our own lives, lived in pursuit of an ill-defined dream, perhaps utterly lack depth as a consequence? And how do we confront the all-too-human desires for individuality and community, and when does the latter come dangerously close to destroying the former? Brilliant.