25 October 2011

The 2012 Republican Candidates as Robots

Are you excited about the potential Republican candidates for the 2012 election? I sure am, and not just because the world will end on 21 December 2012 before they'd ever be sworn in. No, for the first time ever, every single GOP prospect is a robot in disguise (but just barely!)! The following is a list of the candidates and a description of their robotic origins.
Mitt Romney: Repurposed, recently declassified government robot originally designed to infiltrate and take over terrorist cells using good looks and charisma. The project was scrapped due to the failure to rid the programming of a glitch causing the robot to smile creepily all the time.
Herman Cain: Experimental next-generation chatterbot intended to automate pizza orders. The AI evolved and began mocking the economically impoverished people placing pizza orders.
Newt Gingrich: Prototype consensus-building bot scrapped due to frequent overheating, stalling and shut downs whenever consensus subroutines were activated.
Rick Perry: Evangelator 6000, representing an innovation in robotics as it functions despite completely lacking a logic board.
Ron Paul: Steam-powered automaton with miniaturized hydraulic dynamos for movement and an analytical engine with attached gramophone for receiving and transmitting speech. Debuted alongside Heinz ketchup at the 1876 Centennial Exposition in Philidelphia.
Michele Bachmann: “Pleasure” android designed by Mitsubishi Heavy Industries. Malfunctioning by accepting command inputs exclusively from closeted gay men.
Rick Santorum: A fail-safe device created in the 1960s by the Young Americans for Freedom as a defense against moral degradation in the United States. Kept in hibernation mode until its hyper-reactive programming was activated by the combined morphic field levels of open homosexuality, belief in the theory of evolution, and disregard for the sanctity of life.
Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Cheap Chinese knock-off of the Mitt Romney robot.
Gary Johnson: Trans-dimensional drone created by the shadow organization known as The Invisible Hand to represent its interests in the economics of our dimension.

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