30 December 2011

Secular Western Gregorian New Year's Resolution

Over the past few years, meatiocrity (the site you're currently viewing, in case you wound here by accident, perhaps via an entirely innocent search for Rod Blagojevich hair jokes) has focused on providing half-assed smart-aleckery to you, the discerning/unintentional masses. Today I'm happy to announce that in the upcoming year, none of that will change.

But, I'll also be writing more serious pieces. Maybe some reflections or some shit like that. Maybe an essay or a book review. Maybe something funny my cat did. Hahahahaha, just kidding. My cat's not funny at all.

The point is, you can expect an even broader, crazier range of content here. Some of it will be full-assed. There'll be dumb-aleckery, which, trust me, is totally a thing. There will be a lot of it, probably.

Anyway, Happy Secular Western Gregorian New Year, everyone. Drink enough, be safe, and be cheerful.

07 December 2011

You Really Ought to Lock that Down

They finally sentenced Rod Blagojevich to prison today. I assume the reason is that his hair is just too awesome. Or the corruption thing. Whatever.

I'm concerned for Blago. We don't know yet if he'll be sent to a real jail or one of the jails for corrupt white people where there are no prison bitches, just prison personal assistants. He could get shanked with a shiv made from an American Express Platinum Card! I sure hope it turns out to be a real jail.

So maybe Blago definitely, absolutely tried to profit by selling Obama's senate seat. Big deal. He apologized for it! Not until after he'd been convicted and sentenced, but at least he apologized.

So let's have a little compassion. If we don't, we'll be no better than some other country that has a justice system that's more fair and equal in its treatment of all members of society, instead of one that shows leniency on privileged white people. If you won't do it for Rod Blagojevich, do it for his hair.

How to Quit Like a Quitting Quitter

If you're going to quit, be classy about it. Save some face. Have some dignity. Make it look like you always meant to quit, that the circumstances of your quitting are someone else's fault, and if nothing else, always be defensive.

Here's a good example: Herman Cain's "Brokenhearted, but not broken". There's a man who knows how to quit! There's a Fox News commentator just waiting to make crazy misguided accusations about the people who actually get elected! There's someone we can all look up to!

Herman Cain doesn't need to be president just because he kind of wants to be president, which is clearly why every one else is running. He wants a flat tax with a catchy slogan. He wants a make-believe world where politicians aren't crappy and weaselly and exactly the way we'd be if we held power. And if those things would just happen, his quitting would be worth it, even though his quitting is totally worth it anyway.

I think it's shameful that Cain had to quit just because people in the media accused him of being a womanizer. And just because he almost certainly is a womanizer! Such scandal-mongering! It's like when my rival Rosie accused me of slashing the tires on her Subaru Outback just because I cut a bunch of holes in them with a knife.

Personally, I'm inspired by Herman Cain quitting. I'm ready to go quit something right now. Not smoking, obviously. Something important. Like my bid to become president of my community black light badminton club. But if Rosie gets us the cool pinstripe jerseys, I'd be fine with that. I don't need the ego boost of being president, I just want to get my way.

05 December 2011

How to Not Learn from Your Mistakes

You know what's comforting? Not dealing with the unexpected. Not being blind-sided by some new, never-encountered situation. Not having to make a choice about something significant and possibly life-changing instead of simply allowing conditioned behaviors to take over and guide our actions. Not being criticized, not being wrong, and not having to think about even the possibility being wrong.

And right now, with a recession on, an impending presidential election and the resulting million GOP primary debates, and the cancellation of NBC's "The Playboy Club", our nation needs comfort more than anything. Except to cut through the bullshit and pursue a course of action that's a lucid alternative to our current, let's say, "wallowing". But don't think about that! It's not comforting!

We've got an occupation force camped out on our streets. Well, not "on" the streets, but in parks. Anyway, they've got drums and hacky sacks, and some of them are— if you can believe it— Canadians. Even wantonly pepper spraying masses of them has no effect. Don't you remember the good old days when you could go down to Zuccotti Park and split an Olde English 800 with your kid?

The good news is that we can see those days again. If we just ignore the Occupy movement, they'll give up and go home, and we'll have our country back. It worked for the Swiss in WWII.

Ignoring the real issues is patriotic. In fact, the best use for the American flag is as insulation against the cold harshness of the real world. But I think we need to do a little more than simply ignore these crazy protesters and their ridiculous list of demands for greater social and economic equality. We need to make sure we maintain the American way of life by making the same mistakes we've already made.

If we willingly get deeper in debt, buy houses we can't afford, elect unoriginal thinkers (or better yet, incumbents!) to government, and leave it to corporations to sponsor news organizations to regulate our civic awareness of current events, we'll be making the same mistakes that got us into this mess. But this time, we'll know the mess is coming, and that's comforting to know.