07 December 2011

How to Quit Like a Quitting Quitter

If you're going to quit, be classy about it. Save some face. Have some dignity. Make it look like you always meant to quit, that the circumstances of your quitting are someone else's fault, and if nothing else, always be defensive.

Here's a good example: Herman Cain's "Brokenhearted, but not broken". There's a man who knows how to quit! There's a Fox News commentator just waiting to make crazy misguided accusations about the people who actually get elected! There's someone we can all look up to!

Herman Cain doesn't need to be president just because he kind of wants to be president, which is clearly why every one else is running. He wants a flat tax with a catchy slogan. He wants a make-believe world where politicians aren't crappy and weaselly and exactly the way we'd be if we held power. And if those things would just happen, his quitting would be worth it, even though his quitting is totally worth it anyway.

I think it's shameful that Cain had to quit just because people in the media accused him of being a womanizer. And just because he almost certainly is a womanizer! Such scandal-mongering! It's like when my rival Rosie accused me of slashing the tires on her Subaru Outback just because I cut a bunch of holes in them with a knife.

Personally, I'm inspired by Herman Cain quitting. I'm ready to go quit something right now. Not smoking, obviously. Something important. Like my bid to become president of my community black light badminton club. But if Rosie gets us the cool pinstripe jerseys, I'd be fine with that. I don't need the ego boost of being president, I just want to get my way.

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