17 December 2013

How to Win the War on Christmas

It’s no secret there’s a War on Christmas going on. 
People calling it “X-mas” like that’s a thing, giving gift cards as gifts like that’s a thing, saying Happy Holidays as if other so-called “holidays” are things. Boxing Day? Come on, former British empire. If you were real Americans, you’d know December 26th is Post-Christmas Christmas Shopping Day.

As Nelson Mandela probably said to Margaret Thatcher during one of their famous Othello-offs*, 
“Madge, the only thing needed for evil to succeed is for good people to let the secular socialist political correctnati get away with ruining Christmas.” 
As you well know, the true meaning of Christmas is found in the gifts the three wise men (not “magi”, that’s super pagan) brought to Jesus: gold, fake-incensed, and winning at all costs

As good Christians, we must not allow those things to be taken from us, especially the last one and the first two.

It’s time to take up arms and take back Christmas the only way true Americans solve any problem: with violence. Here are twelve tips— one for every day of Christmas— to help you with your joyhad:
  1. “X” always marks the spot. 
    It makes targeting simple. Any people or signs spouting filthy “X-mas” greetings deserve instantaneous and overwhelming annihilation delivered by any of the following means.
  2. A bayonet serves as both an infidel stabber and a gift opener. 
    You get a double kill bonus multiplier if it’s your atheist Uncle Ted and he’s trying to give you a Richard Dawkins book.
  3. Eggnog Molotov Cocktails are especially effective.
    If you love the smell of napalm in the morning, you’ll love the smell of this goopy conflagration any time of day. 
  4. Christmas lights can break if used as a garrote.
    A better choice is high-tension tinsel. If you have trouble finding it, you can make your own using shredded tin foil and piano wire.
  5. That Independence Day potato gun doubles as a Christmas yam gun.
    If anyone tries to tell you that yams are from South America and what we eat up here are really sweet potatoes, use it to blast them right in their “South America”.
  6. Glass ornaments make great grenades.
    Fill them with firecrackers, Civil War reenactment grade black powder, Mentos and Diet Coke— whatever it takes to turn these little nasties into the shrapnel they were clearly designed to be.
  7. A star is a better tree-topper than an angel.
    Specifically, a ninja star that you can grab and throw when you do the run-up-the-wall-into-a-backflip move when Aunt Judy starts talking about her thoroughly un-Christmas-sy gluten intolerance.
  8. Die Hard and Home Alone are instructional self-defense training videos.
    I cannot stress this enough. Especially for the kids.
  9. Santa gives coal to naughty people.
    This way, the authorities can’t trace the accelerant back to you after you burn down their house.
  10. Never give Legos as gifts.
    It’s counterintuitive, but you’ll want to reserve them for use as caltrops in the no-man’s land between you and anyone who even mentions a solstice.
  11. Volunteer for the Salvation Army.
    When you give them the bucket of change at the end of the day, they issue you a proportional amount of explosive ordnance. They say it’s for use against the gays, but they won’t know or care if it goes toward defending the faith from humanists, regardless of orientation.
  12. You can buy guns and ammunition at Wal-Mart.
    This is so basic, I can’t believe I have to include it on this list. They have unbeatable Christmas sales, though. Just remember to never tip your greeter.
As you go out, armed to the teeth and in manufactured-in-America fear, remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Remember that you are most definitely being persecuted by awful secular people who don’t deserve to live past Epiphany. Most of all, remember that when Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, he meant theirs.

*In which the contestants must perform a soliloquy from Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Othello while playing reversi in the makeup they used in the Star Trek original series episode “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”.

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