17 September 2014

How to Know if You Should Own and Operate a Recumbent Tricycle

You've got a big decision in front of you, but I can tell you're the kind of person willing to make the tough choices. You actively scavenge Mason jars from recycling bins and thrift stores without a care for what your neighbors think. You routinely derail conversations to point out you don't own a television. You've carved a hash pipe out of homemade soap in what you're sure is record time for that sort of thing.

Yet, as ready as you may seem to be, even the batshittingly craziest of us need help deciding if it's time to own a recumbent tricycle. I've provided the following self-assessment to help you determine if you're ready to be one of the largely unwashed elite.

Please answer honestly.

  1. Have you ever wondered how to balance the moral superiority of using non-motorized transport with your desire to be in a La-Z-Boy most of the day?
  2. Do you like to draw attention to yourself by taking up an entire sidewalk, or spilling out beyond the boundaries of dedicated bike lanes, especially so you can later complain about the impatience of car drivers or the entitlement of those dining al fresco?
  3. Do you need a way to safely and conveniently transport way too much cat food for just one cat?
  4. Are your pockets usually filled with loose trail mix?
  5. Do you already own either a (dirty) tie dye or (very dirty) American flag bandana, or both?
  6. Do you enjoy talking to baristas at coffee shops for extended periods of time, regardless of other customers waiting, without tipping or, sometimes, purchasing anything at all?
  7. Do you like it when people assume you're a veteran, even though you're not?
  8. Do you have no business having a pony tail?
  9. Are you, or have you been for more than a decade, an adjunct professor of world religion or poetry at a mostly unknown liberal arts college?
  10. Do you like to give young people sage advice in the form of enigmatic, out-of-context misquotes of Grateful Dead lyrics?
  11. Is your response to holes in socks to simply turn the socks inside out and continue wearing them?
  12. Same as above, but for all other clothing?
  13. Do you like to talk to complete strangers about your ardent support of polyamory despite their obvious discomfort and your obvious lack of regular human contact?
  14. Do you, despite all objective evidence to the contrary, think recumbent tricycles are cool?
  15. Do you have one or more stories about doing drugs with someone who you claim knows the bassist for Three Dog Night?
  16. Do you own a backpack, rucksack, or fannypack that looks like it's been through the murder of its previous owner(s)?
  17. Do you mumble on purpose often?
  18. Do you have at least one meal a week that involves adding kale and Velveeta cheese to an expired MRE you got from a buddy?
  19. Do you carry a walking stick with something vaguely Native American or Buddhist carved into or attached to it?
  20. Is it really just because of your untreated IBS?
If you can answer "yes" to any of the above, congratulations! You're ready to own a recumbent tricycle. I'll print off some webpages with more information for you. They'll be in black and white and you won't really get the feel of the "under construction" gifs, but I think you'll agree Gary from Portland, ME really has the best info on which one to buy.

1 comment:

Ellen Lerner said...

I supposed this was meant to be sarcastic or funny, and I can and do appreciate it. But for someone with a disability who can use the exercise provided by a this kind of bike, it might be a necessity for them and not so funny a decision to make.